Spring Break Boy

So.. i kinda am crushing over SBB again.

I did this after spring break. I dont even know why i crush on him so much.

This all started up again when i randomly thought of him one day and sent him a message, he then asked to be my friend on facebook again. He thought i looked extremely hot in my profile picture. he recalled how great of a kisser i was, and conversation turned dirtier. He said that he wanted to get together over break. Then I found out he was going to throw a new years party, which i was invited to. Made sure it was okay with my friend Kim who i have spent the last couple years with for New Years. So we plan on going to New Years at SBB's house. I figured since he wanted to get together at some point over break, he could easily be my first new years kiss. But when i asked him, he said that he had this deal with a girl. If one of them didnt have someone to kiss on new years, they would kiss eachother.. So i get the short end of that stick. I only get a kiss if she doesnt come to the party. It kinda makes me feel unimportant. I almost wonder why i am going to the party at all. I will only know a few people, and barely at that. Only Kim will be a friendly face. And it seems like SBB doesnt even care if i go... i dont know. I want to go, cause i want to kiss him, but i am a little confused.

December Update

I'm in the mood to write. I've done this before, where i am just going to write and i have no clue where it is going to go, so bear with me if you are actually reading this.

I guess i'm going to write about blady. I know he has a girlfriend. I never pretended that he didnt, but i think its good that i am going away for a month. I know i deserve better than this. Better than to be the second thought. I deserve a guy that i wants to talk to me everyday, that wants to know what im thinking about and what im up to, that isnt afraid to be seen with me in public, and that likes me for me. So when i come back after this month away from school, i dont want to have my snuggle times with blady anymore. He has a girlfriend for that. He can drive the hour to go see her, i mean its an hour. When i was with shortcake he lived 4-5 hours away, now that was commitment.

J-term. I'm hoping to have some fun. I wanna go up to bemidji and see some friends that i havent seen in over a year. Although shortcake, who has a girlfriend, has been hinting something should happen. As much as i miss him and still have slight feelings for him, i know that he wouldnt be able to handle any of the regret that would come with cheating. I think that i should make out with his friend Augy, since shortly after i broke up with shortcake my friend Krista broke up with her boyfriend Augy. Then shortcake and krista made out. So i think it would only be fair if me and Augy made out as well. Haha. Even if i dont end up doing anything with anyone from bemidji, there is always the possibility of SPB (spring break boy- the guy i made out with on spring break). He is single, and i am single, and he mentioned perhaps meeting up over the break. And there is also the chance of a random guy at any point haha. I do want a new years kiss :)

The only think about spending j-term with my sister or doing anything with my sister is that a lot of the time i feel like a shadow of her while she is in the spotlight. I loved having her at my 21st birthday, but all the guys were obsessed with her. This happens a lot with her though. A guy will choose her over me close to every time. Damon said something about if i cant find a guy something is wrong, but i dont have the best confidence. i cant just walk up to a guy and start a conversation. Its something that i need to work on. I just fear rejection.. So i wanna step out of that shell and find me a man.

November stuff

Well i am gonna sum up the past month.

Blady, i like him, but i know its not going anywhere. I just like snuggling with him. I kinda like my secret little thing thats going on. I am using him, just like he is using me.

Matt, guy i met on plenty of fish. He seemed pretty cool on the site, so i agreed to meet him in person. Ended up spending 24 hours with him. I met him and some friends for lunch, then wandered the MOA for a couple hours, off to the Wild game, then applebees. And the freezing rain hit.. Getting to the car in the applebees parking lot was an adventure all by itself. And since the roads were so bad, and the freeways at a standstill, i spent the night at his house. Also the first time i have shared a bed with a guy, in this case a pull out couch, and not done anything. First time i ever spent the night with nate, i got my first kiss, and that was close lips nothing special, but it was more than happened here. Anyways, i just dont think he is for me, and i told him a couple days later.

Oh, me and A helped out blady the other week by filling in on his league vb team. So we played a game, then went to the bar. Had a drink, and a shot, then went back to playing volleyball. We might have been a bit too relaxed during that next game, since we obviously could have beat them, but we didnt. And then, we found ourselves back at the bar. I only spent $2 the whole night, but i drank quite a bit, and played bingo! I didnt want to yell bingo if we won, and neither did A, so we were gonna make one of the guys say it. I got all caught up in the thrill of actually getting a bingo that i yelled when i got one.. and we were playing the game of getting all B's and O's, so i had to yell "I have B.O.!" which i kind of did, since we came straight from volleyball. I had a fun night, even though blady was being boring and sleepy.

baby brother

I have a brother that i was never able to meet. He died when he was 3 months old, which was 2.5 years before i was born. His initials are eek, just like mine, in fact i was named after him. We were also born on the same day just different months.

I have always thought that he and I would be very similar, that we would have been close. My other brother and my sister shared a bond when they were growing up, and i always imagined that i would have shared a bond with this brother. I imagined that he would have an easier temperament, be super nice, athletic, smart, but not cocky. That he would be my best friend. As close as i am to my sister, she has never been my best friend, and i have no friends that i consider my best friend either.

I got my brothers baby blanket (a blanket that has a bear head), i got his name, and im sure i got other stuff. But mostly i feel as if i got his life. That i am living for him. Although I am not very spiritual, i like to believe that he is like my guardian angel, and is looking over me. I never got to meet him, yet i can say that i love him. He is here with me, in one way or another. I wish i could have met him, grew up with him, got to know him. And although i didnt, i feel as if i am capable to be the daughter to my parents that he would have been the son for.

you are with me, in spirit.

21 BABY!!!

I am officially legal to drink :) and even though my birthday was on a Wednesday night, I had a pretty good time... well after I went to all my classes that is. Lets start from the VERY beginning of my birthday.

B, also known as bad boy, will also be known as blady which will be explained later. Blady was the first one to wish me a happy birthday via text, cause he was trying to get me to go out at midnight for a drink. I of course didnt want to since i had 8 am class the next day, and was already in my pjs.

Im gonna skip past the sleeping and going to class parts. At 7 i went to the varsity volleyball game since my parents came down for it, and i knew someone on the opposing team. My friends team won :) partly cause my school team sucks (which makes me glad i dont play for them). Then went out to dinner with my parents, my friend A, and another set of parents that i know. I had my first legal drink at dinner, a margarita, not that i like them that much, im not a big tequila fan, i would have rather had a daiquiri, but oh well. Now, since dinner was taking longer than usual, my roommates were getting upset, but i mean, come on, its my birthday, let me enjoy a little family time! we were back before 11, and no one was at the bar anyways.. so i didnt see the big rush that was being forced on me and A. I actually found out that the my other roomie R wasnt gonna go out with us because she was "annoyed"... it was MY birthday, and i went out to dinner with MY FAMILY. grr..

Well because of the drama going on with all that i didnt know how i was gonna get to the bar, so blady texted me and asked how my night was going, so i said shitty since my roomies are being stupid and i have no dd.. so he offered to pick me up :) We went to a local bar, where blady was gonna go and met up with D, my coach, and his friend C. Soon after my sister came :)

So since it was my 21st, people kept buying me shots.

1. Girl scout (my free b-day shot from the bar)

2. Shaved Beaver (from C)

3. Red Headed Slut (from Blady)

4. Fucking Awesome (from my sister)

5. Chuck Norris (from Blady)

I also drank something called a raspberry pucker sour, which was rather good. But i started drinking water after shot #4 cause i felt like i could have puked, so i kept getting teased by the guys for drinking so little, haha, im a lightweight, i admit it. I had a really good time though, i won at darts, drunk. And i looked damn good that night too.

So the nickname part of the night, my coach D found tape and a marker and was giving everyone nicknames.

I was Birthday Boobs, which i feel is self explanatory

My sister got Armpits, cause she was being weird like her usual self

A got Cry Baby, because she told D that she cried at the vb game.

R got Re, D didnt get too creative with her

C got Therapitst, or the rapist as R says haha

B got Blady, hence my new nickname for him

and D gave himself Old Man, which i feel fits very well

Blady also drove us back, which was rather nice of him.

All in all a good birthday.

Lotsa Stuf

To start off with, I dont think i ever updated about freshie. Well freshie had the audacity to ask me to be his girlfriend on facebook after we had hung out 3 times.. So short story shorter, we are just friends.

I've been super stressed lately. I joined this program at my school that a lot of people dont qualify for, but i do.. so i was basically forced to join. It will prepare me for graduate school after college, but i still dont know what i want to do with my life and this is forcing me to make a lot of decisions very quickly, not to mention all the work that needs to be done.. ugh. All this stress is making me emotional. I need to renew my license and things keep going wrong, so i ended up in tears for a good portion of Friday afternoon. I wish it would just get easier. I can already tell that I am the most unfocused out of everyone else in this program.. I hate being the stupid person in the smart classes..

So there is this guy, lets call him B, which suits him because i know that he is a bad boy type but i find myself drawn to him anyways. My friend absolutely hates him so I dont tell her much about him or our conversations anymore. But he keeps inviting me over to cuddle with him or watch movies. I've been invited over a couple times, but he also has a gf who goes to school an hour away, so i know that he only wants me to come over so that he isnt alone.. I just like getting attention from guys, and usually dont care who it is coming from, but i have a little kindergarten crush on him. When i saw him at volleyball last time, i kept looking over his way, just to look. Along with the fact that he has a gf, i also haven't gone over to his place because we never talk in person, just text and facebook, so things would be royally awkward because its my personality. I'm not a touchy feel-y person. I have to learn to be comfortable with the person first. So me cuddling with B just wouldnt happen. Another reason i havent gone over there is because he always asks me on the nights before my 8 am class, and i need sleep! Although he retaliates saying that he has a very comfy bed, but again, i would feel wrong sleeping in his bed (JUST SLEEPING) with him because he has a girlfriend. AND a very bad reputation of sleeping around.

On a happier note, Wednesday is my 21st birthday!! Hopefully the day will go well, i have a few things planned and a few other options. I'll update you with the aftermath :)

Yes and No

I hate this.. I miss K so much, but its pointless. It doesnt matter that I care for him, that he was instantly part of the family, that i could be myself around him, that i never doubted being with him.. I told nate that i loved him for most of our relationship, but I felt the same about K as i did about N, if not more. But i also hate K, because he doesnt want me. And why do i want someone that doesnt want me? So im angry with myself for still wanting him despite him not wanting me.

Bejeweled Blitz

I play this game called Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.. but I feel like it has lost most of its appeal to me. Me and Special K always made a big deal about who did better each week, and i miss that. I miss competing over a better spot. I try to get first out of my friends each week, but its not the same. they could care less if my score was poor, average or excellent that week..

I still like to play, its an easy way to keep my mind occupied, but now it reminds me that he is gone also. Ugh. He just seemed so right for me... okay, okay, im gonna try to stay strong and not cry and finally move on. Cause he doesnt want me. he doesnt. I was just a summer fling to him, someone to bid time with. He hurt me. At least with N, i hurt myself.

Very Early Morning

Its 4 am currently, and i cannot for the life of me sleep. So i have decided to write one here, since i havent in a while. I believe when i last wrote it was something about still missing Special K.. which is still true. I miss him in many ways, but i am also trying to move on. So i will start with this:

About a week and a half ago i played volleyball out in the rain. It had been pouring outside for almost 24 hours, and the sand volleyball courts had turned into giant puddles!!! They looked like so much fun to play in. My friend and I decided that we needed to go out in the rain and play volleyball in these giant puddles, and we werent the only ones with this idea, since there were about 8 people already out there. Now let me tell you, this was one of the most fun activities ever. And hey, its free!! I had an absolute blast, but to my point. There was this one boy there, who stayed out when everyone else went inside. Lets call him Freshie, which is what I have been code-naming him elsewhere. Freshie is obviously a freshman. And one thing leads to another (well over a week) and we have been texting each other all weekend. Now freshie is very innocent. He has never even kissed a girl with tongue, but i think it would be a lot of fun corrupting him >:)

Plus he likes me, which im enjoying, since i tend to feel like im unwanted after i have a breakup. Now im NOT going to tell freshie that im still in the rebound phase of my last break-up, although it has been over a month/close to two months since i last saw Special K). I am just gonna see what happens and not force anything this time around. I still dont have my mind made up about freshie, guess i gotta hang out with him a little more and get to know him first.

Nothing New

So today I was making my room more homely, hanging up posters and pictures. But as I was getting the pictures out of my "random stuff" backpack, I found these old notes that I wrote. One to myself, about how lonely I was after breaking up with N, and the other was to N, even though I never planned on sending it. It was about how I missed him so much but knew that we weren't right for each other. I also know that I wrote one to K but it wasn't with these other notes.

But the point of this blog, it seems like nothing has changed. I still miss both N and now K, and despite if I'm around people or not, I still feel alone.

And what's worse is that I don't worry about what I'm going to do with my life as much as I worry that I won't have someone to spend it with..

I'm boy crazy.. I'm a hopeless romantic. I like cutesy stuff that others may find cheesy. I just want to be loved.

But what I have also noticed is that because I don't want to have to change a guy, I find that I try to change myself to fit with them. Even if I'm not in love with them, I want them to love me..

I just hate being so sad about this. Guys shouldn't be my source of happiness, but I really do feel unwanted when I don't have someone....

Missing ______

Im just in a lonely mood at the moment. I miss K even N. I just want a guy to hug and to hear that things will be okay. I just want comfort, even though im not exactly sure what i need to be comforted about.

Update Alert

So.. talked to Special K. And now i'm single.

The first night was just horrible, I couldnt stop crying, and i couldnt sleep. I feel asleep around 1 just to wake up at 6:30, funn! And i looked like death in the morning. My eyes were all puffy and disgusting. The first half day at work, i kept trying to hold tears back, then my mom came over o her lunch break to the nanny house, and i started crying. Which was good i think, cause i got through the rest of the day rather well. And only had one short time of tears that night.

I really do think that because he was always so, lets say distant, before we broke up that i am taking the loneliness better than I did last time. I still hate that it had to happen this way because i did really like him, but im dealing.

Basically, i talked to him about what would happen when he would move out west and he said something like long distance not being fair to either of us. And i didnt want to just hang on and wait around for when he got a job offer just to be dumped then. So i'm trying to stay positive. Plus i'll be back at school soon with a whole bunch of guys. Now just to be more outgoing and meet them :)

So there is my update. Havent cried in at least 40 hours! I'm gonna come out stronger from this.

Unimportant

Special K came back from his trip yesterday, which I wasnt expecting until today. But I almost wish he hadnt come back yesterday. I didnt get anything like "i miss you" and nothing else cute either.. No calling me babes or nothing. I just feel kinda pointless to him right now. I feel like any other person, except that he talks to me regularly.

If he ever comes on Facebook tonight, which is likely, I'm gonna talk to him about stuff. About him going out West if he gets a job offer..

And im in a bad mood now. So i'll leave it here.

Craziness

I had the craziest dream last night. I was moving into my college dorm for this year, and had only brought up a little bit of stuff to my room. But when i went in the room, a bunch of my stuff was in their and also a bunch of someone else's stuff was in there. And then the dream went on to there being this guy that had a key to my room and did all that. But he was evil. And after me.. It was messed up.

Also today, Adam, one of the people i live with. Asked me today if Special K and I have had our first kiss yet.. Seriously?? Seriously!! So I told him that we had that before we even started dating. I mean me and K have been dating for 3 months.. why in the world would we have not kissed yet???? But Adam has been annoying me a bit, yet another reason why I cant wait to be back at school. Roughly a week left!

Missing You

Never the best to watch sad movies or romantic movies, when that special someone is far away. I watched The Last Song, and now i just miss you like crazy. I was missing you before. I dreamt that I called you a couple times asking you to meet me somewhere cause I had a surprise. And you showed up, telling me you had just gotten back from your trip. But in the dream I had forgotten that you were on a trip at all. Weird how i knew and didnt know all in the same dream.

But i miss you. And I'm worried. About when ever you leave. And i hate feeling this way. Stupid movie. I just want to talk to you, and have you reassure me..

About 3 more days until i get to talk to you again. Who knows how long until i get to see you.

Far Away

Ugh, i miss Special K. It has been 5 days since I had any sort of communication with him. Stupid outdoors. Keeping him from talking to me. I dont know what I miss so much. I want to be able to talk to him. But when i talk to him, I just miss being with him. Vicious cycle. Since we obviously cant be together as often as i would like.

Sigh... Off to bed i guess. Wish i could tell him good night.

Future

So I have decided that I'm going to talk to Special K about the future once he gets back from his trip. Considering the fact that I wont see him for a month, and that he wants to move out West as soon as possible. I dont even know when I'll get to see him before he leaves. So i figure that talking to him when he gets back from his trip makes a lot of sense.

I want to know what is going to happen once he is not only hours but states away. I want to know if we are just some summer fling, or if its more. If he can handle the long distance... I just want to know what he is thinking about us. So im gonna ask. Wish me luck, even though he doesnt get back for another 5 days.

Goodbye (I'm Sorry)

There is this song "Goodbye (I'm Sorry)" by And Then I Turned Seven. Its about suicide.

I'm gonna stress this right away. I would never commit suicide. I would never cause myself harm. But the song hits a nerve. Also, I'm not even in a sad mood. The song just came on randomly on my itunes, and got me thinking.

the chorus:

"And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.

Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.

I'm not worth any tears."

No one will cry over me. Thats what hits me.

I often who would notice if i was no longer there. If i died. I know the obvious people that would care. It seems like the young people that die, are always the person that was friends with everyone. I really want to know who would cry over me (again other than the obvious few). I want to know who would all come to my funeral. I have a feeling it wouldnt be that big of a number.

I wish i knew more than i did in life. I would like to know what its like to be a guy. And i want to know who would miss me if i died. There are so many out of my body experiences i would love to have. Just to be more aware of things. Death being one of them. If i could see what how people would be affected by my death, it might lead to me appreciating more. I dont know. But i am very curious.

Walls

I can feel myself putting walls up. And I really havent been trying to, but I need reassurance from him that i'm currently not getting. And im not going to ask for it. So i can feel the walls going up. Which is never a good thing. I know its just gonna create distance, yet I cant stop myself.

I cant stop myself from over thinking, from hurting, from questioning, from distancing myself.

And what makes things so much worse, is that i doubt he even notices the change.. so i am really just causing myself the pain....

TBC (to be continued)

I just spent the weekend with Special K, but now i wont get to see him for probably a month.. not cool. He has so many trips planned, and work when he is actually home, so I'm gonna be put on the back burner a bit. Which is okay, I understand that he has trips planned, and that he has to work, but a part of me is wondering if he is glad for this separation..

And i'm just so wishy washy with my feelings. I like him. Thats obvious enough. But i go back and forth on what i think he is feeling. Its just... so difficult to describe. I enjoy being with him, i just question so much. I always question. Every relationship that I've been in. Even the guy that I only dated back in high school. I analyzed everything. And i talk myself out of relationships. I've never been dumped. I'm used to being the person in the relationship that has lesser feelings.

I am just so confused. My thoughts are all jumbled... I'll try to write later to help make sense of this mess

Why..

Why do i let my emotions revolve around guys..

This is one of the main reasons that I hate being a girl. Guys have life so much easier. UGH!!

I shouldn't be this upset. I have no real reason, yet all i want to do is cry... And i suppose I should get used to this, but I hate it. I hate being in a long distance relationship. I dont know why I keep finding them. I just want a guy to be around. I want a hug without having to drive an hour. I want to know they care. I want to be able to do stupid random things with them, and not have to plan a visit. I want to at least be able to talk to them.. but even that is often difficult.

Special K is out with friends. And relatively close too. Yet, here I am, sitting in my room, by myself. I was texting him off and on, but i had to ask questions to get responses. I finally wrote something along the lines of "i'll leave you be now" and never got a response back. I HATE feeling this helpless. I hate that i need attention from him to be happy. I hate that i just cant tell him that i am feeling this way because i know he will just say something like "he cant do anything about it".

I just wish that he would talk to me, text me, unprompted. Call me sweetie, or babe, or something.

I wish i knew exactly how he felt.

I hate this feeling. I wish it wasnt this way.

L.O.V.E.

Love,

this word is thrown around way too often nowadays. I mean i use the word love. I always say things, like, I love chocolate. Or i love how you did your hair, etc. This isnt the use of the word love im referring to. I'm referring to people saying i love you, to other people and I'm sorry, but if you have known me for even a week, you dont just say "Love ya". I don't understand how people talk this way. I only use the word love with my family.. and unfortunately i cant get myself to say it to my brother. But i dont say it to friends, and especially not people i barely know.

But onto the main point of this blog. My ex, N. He was in love with me, which i dont doubt in the slightest. He still might take me back if i wanted him. But i also told him that i loved him. Then had to take it back.. then i eventually used it again. Thing is, that it just seems so natural to say it when you are with someone. Especially when they say it to you first. A lot of this was probably because N was my first boyfriend, and things got serious fast. But i know that I was never fully in love with him. Puppy love, yeah, but when i was with him, i let my mind wander off before my heart. I loved him in a way. Just not as deeply as it seemed.

Now, with Special K, I have to catch myself from saying it. It seems so routine. I say it to my parents and sister whenever i get off the phone with them. That and i would say it to N whenever we went to bed. So i find myself almost saying it with Special K. When i know that im not in love yet. I might be close to the kind of love that i had with N, but not sure i am even there yet. It doesnt help that Special K doesnt tell me how he feels really, so i mostly guess off what he says, which is really tricky!

It makes me wonder how much he likes me, and why he likes me, and all this stuff. He has said "i love you" to a couple of his ex's. But he said looking back, he really only meant it with one of them. Which i'm kinda jealous about. I wish i knew what that felt like.. I suppose i should be happy with the experience i had, since it was my first. I just wish he would give me a clue on how he feels...

Its kinda easy for me to doubt his feelings, because we both agreed to just being friends with benefits a while ago, then thanks to me wanting more, and some meddling from my friend, he asked me out. I know he doesnt regret it, and i suppose he could question my feelings too, since i agreed to just FWB. But me and my friend had to convince him to give me a chance. To risk the friendship to see if there was something more there. I know im probably over thinking.

Oh, and just a side note. He probably got facebook like freshman year of college, but still, out of the gf's he had at college, only the one girl that he really was in love with has been in his profile picture. But i have also :) seems like a somewhat good sign to me.

Well, its way past my bedtime. Night L.O.V.E. ;)

~nooblet

Self Conscious

I know that for the most part, i have no reason to be so self conscious right now. But its difficult. I really do seem pudgier than usual. Probably because i havent been playing a sport regularly for a while now.. I also have been feeling lazier and lazier.. Plus special k is super skinny and fit. I could probably wash my clothes on his abs (washboard, or close to). And he has never commented on my body in a negative way.. But, i dont know. I just feel like im pudgier, and cant do anything about it. If there was an elliptical here, i might go on it, but im not about to go running outside in the heat. I just dont know what to do. I dont feel like i've been overeating at all..

Its because of K i know it is. He complained about his own appearance, although he HAD like nothing to worry about. but he called it his winter weight. like 5 lbs. nothing on him. And now he is bragging about how he looks. I doubt he is trying to make it seem like bragging. He is just happy about how he looks. But now i feel like im fat compared to him.

I know he isnt doing it to make me feel bad, and i havent told him any of this. If i did, he would probably tell me that its my problem and to kick things in gear and get myself to the body that i want.. and i dont want to hear that right now.

I'm just apparently not in a good mood right now. Im sad. Im crying. Im breaking down. And i cant tell him that. Or at least, i cant bring myself to.

He put up with all my emotional bullshit when we were just friends so i dont know why i cant bring myself to tell him stuff now.. but i cant. But i know that keeping things in just makes me lose control some other time. So here is me getting it out. Writing this crap, and crying. And hoping the same thing wont happen again tomorrow, although the odds arent good.

Waiting

The other day, when i was bored. I read all of special k's notes on facebook. That combined with the fact that i know he has either broken up with his ex's or its been mutual. And he wants to move out West. He should have an interview for one of the places he applied for soon.. He wants to travel. To see the world before he settles down. He doesnt want a leash. And i'm starting to think thats what i would be. He would try to run too far away and be tugged back. He wants away from here. And im stuck here, for at least two more years. So, im waiting.

I'm waiting for the heartache, the pain, the loneliness.

I'm waiting for my life to once again be a wreck.

Its just a matter of time until the hurt

and again my life will be torn apart.

I just dont see us working out long term. I feel like i would be a weight, preventing him from his goals in life. I guess its a wait and see thing, cause he is gonna have to get rid of me when the time comes, if it does.

Wandering Mind

I'm bored. As simple as that. And when I'm bored my mind wanders.

First, I'm a creeper. And I was looking at my ex-boyfriend's facebook page. He has a new girlfriend. And I am happy for him. I realized that I probably wouldn't feel this way if I didnt also have some in my life, or if I hadn't gotten my boyfriend first, because I didnt truly realize that I was over him until I had someone new. And so is the way of life. In my mind, everyone is in some way a rebound. Its just the severity of the rebound that changes. Even crushes are rebounds of other crushes. For me, life is just more exciting having someone in it, even in crush form. Anyways, so I'm happy for my ex, and I wish iI could tell him that and wish him the best, but I know that this girl is probably more of a rebound for him, than Special K is for me.

Secondly, I was thinking about Special K, and realized that I need to think less. I analyze way too much. Not even about him, but about my views of him. Overall I think too much. I dont just go with the flow or let things happen. Which can be a good or bad thing. Example, me dancing. I cant relax and just dance without worrying what other people will think. Which is partly why I like to drink, so that I wont fuss over every little thing that I do.. But to my point. I think over my time with Special K, and I wonder if I like him as much as I think I do. Can you see my problem? I dont know how to not worry over my feelings... hmm.

Living Conditions

I dont want to live here anymore. I feel like I cant be myself. I live with some family friends. In fact my dad's best friend. But they have specific views on things and it is driving me crazy. I feel like every move I make is being watched.. and I'm not joking. I had to work later than usual the other night, and I let them know that I wasnt going to be back for dinner. So when I got back to the house, and heard them eating in the kitchen, I went upstairs. Then Lu comes into my room later that night saying something about how it would have been nice if I had come in to say hello.. But the way she said it made me seem at fault. And today she came in and said that I cant eat in my room. Its not like I bring meals up here or anything. I have a bag of chips. Thats all. I just cant stand not being able to just be myself. The only mess in here is my clothes and stuff which which is more just clutter at the moment, and will leave as soon as I do. I'm just so frustrated!

Ughh

Ugh, i am just NOT in a good mood right now..

I hate crying.

I like crying when i can watch a sad movie and need a release, but not this crappy mood, cant help but cry stuff.

And there is no point in telling Special K that im sad or anything cause all he says is that there isnt anything he can do but text hug me.. So i dont tell him. And his memory is so bad, he doesnt even remember when i ended up crying in the tent this past weekend.

just UGH.

the one plus of my super emotional ex, was that he picked up when i was in a funk, even over text, and asked me what was wrong and what he could do.

K just gives me space.. which doesnt help me much in relationships. There is already too much space. I dont need more.

Heartbroken

I have been thinking over my past relationship a bit, and have realized that I probably wasnt in love with him. Makes sense. I said "I love you" to him, then took it back about a month later, then told him it again sometime after that. But i feel like i used that phrase because it comes out so easily. I tell my mom and dad, and my sister that i love them. In regular conversation. Also being around another person so much and being so close to them. I sometimes have to catch myself before I say it.

He will still be my first love, because I did love him, just not as much as i thought i did. Easy way to tell: I still wanted to be friends with him. And i suppose because i broke up with him and not the other way around. And because I broke up with him, my heart didnt break as much. It still hurt, dont get me wrong. But i have a feeling it could hurt a LOT more..

And THAT is a feeling I dont want to experience. But i also feel like it might happen with Special K. Not anytime soon hopefully. But I was friends with him before we were together, so I would be loosing him in two ways, loosing a boyfriend and a friend.

I just feel like he is bound to break up with me at some point. Because we are very different, and he wants someone that he can do those things with, and some of them (rock climbing) i just dont see happening... He is also planning on moving out West. If not this fall/winter, then sometime next year. Eventually it'll happen.

And i just dont know how much he actually likes me, and I would feel weird asking him. Like then he thinks i'm questioning things, or thinks im jealous, or in constant need of reassurance. I dont want to push him away.

He told me yesterday that he learns something new about me every time we are together, so I asked for an example, his reply "i learned that you're unsure on what to do to help out camping" ... not what i wanted to hear.

But he also told me that I can stay at his trailer anytime. He would put a vb net outside, a tv inside and a bunch of pretty things around for me to take pictures of. He would even find a way to get internet. :)

He says super cute things sometimes, and other times, i just wonder..

sigh, i swear he will be the first one to actually break my heart.

Disappointment

I realize that I am often disappointed. I realize that this is mainly due to the fact that I imagine most things better in my head. I figured the statue of liberty would be bigger, times square squarer. Just lots of things. I wish that my imagination was real. That if I imagined it, it could be. If I wanted ice cream, then i would have it. If i wanted someone to hug me, they would. All with no effort on my part. I realize im being a bit ridiculous here, and that not everything should be that easy, but some things i wish would happen just cause i wanted it too.

mood: pondering

Every Time

I do this thing where I let myself get really excited for something, just to have things fall through. I get hurt every time. I get up hopes up high just to let it crash back to the ground. Happened now.

It doesnt help that currently i'm dealing with the stroke my grandpa just had, and i dont have MY room at MY house or even have my normal room here, and i'm probably somewhat stressed about the trip to NY, and its just difficult..

mood: very sad

Killing Time

Time is going by so slowly.. I woke up at 9 today, naturally, to find out that I have absolutely nothing to do until at the earliest 2. its currently 11:30, so i havent killed too much time yet, I still have just as long, if not longer to go. Special K is picking me up at (hopefully) 2 since he is having to drive all around anyways and then i'll be there and ready to leave for when we head out Thursday morning for New York. If time would just go by a little bit faster things would be better, but i am just so bored, and impatient. :/

well im gonna go try to waste more time.

Not So Home Sweet Home

Part of the reason I have been okay with staying at this house during the summer is because I am usually NOT here. I work 9.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. And weekends i usually have plans, thanks to special k. But I am on vacation time from week, which started at about 1:30 this afternoon. And i dont want to be at the house. Especially since the guest bedroom that had been made my room, is now being prepared for their daughter and son-in-law.. so i had to pack up all my stuff and get to share the other guest bedroom with their grand daughter. All of these people coming tomorrow, but I'm out today.. It just isnt my idea of a home at all. I'd rather sleep on a cot at my dad's shop. And i told them that i might spend Wed. night at my parents shop, cause my dad is hopefully driving me to meet Special K thursday morning. But they didnt seem to understand why i would sleep their, and why my dad wouldnt pick me up.

1. my dad is gonna be driving me somewhere, so why would i make him drive even more to pick me up when i am capable of driving to him

2. I am taking time out of my dads day, so i am trying to take as little as possible. It would take more time away from his work day to have to pick me up.

These reasons didnt seem valid or something to them. Not sure why they wouldnt. It makes PERFECT sense to me, and hopefully you. But did they think for even a second that maybe i feel weird staying in a room with their granddaughter? of course not. cause they dont seem to understand that situations become uncomfortable very easily to me..

Sometimes I think they live in a bubble, and dont understand my point of view. So i dont ask god for answers to my questions, Sorry, but he isnt gonna give me an answer. I decided things for myself. And wow, big shocker here, I have my own OPINIONS on things, and voicing them should not be lectured with how some people like things that way. I NEVER said anything other than i like things certain ways for myself. I dont care what others do, thats their choice.

I just want my house back.. or my room at school already.

Can I leave for New York yet??

mood: kinda sad

Grandparents

I have 3 grandparents. In my junior year Grandpa S died after his health continued to depreciate since his stroke. Grandpa S was born on the 4th of July, so i guess this is kinda coming as a shock that my Grandpa K had a stroke today, so close to my other Grandpa's birthday. Grandpa K was air lifted to a hospital, but apparently is stable. It just seems all too familiar. Both having strokes.. It was difficult being around Grandpa S after his stroke. Im not good around sick people... and being at places like the nursing home, or any hospital makes me feel weak.

And now i just feel like all the emotion from Grandpa S's stroke and funeral and everything is hitting me because of Grandpa K's stroke. i guess, i just wish i knew more..

I just want someone to hold me right now.

Special K

This past weekend, my friend decided she was gonna call me and my boyfriend by nicknames. She wants to call me eek cause its my initials, and her name for him was k bar. Now when i heard k bar, i thought of those special k granola bars, so i have tweaked the nickname to special k, cause he is my special k :)

Also, i found out today that special k is invited to my cousins wedding! Which means i'll actually have a date to a wedding. I am super excited. I am also excited for my trip to NY this weekend with him, and for some reason mostly excited for the vb trip the next weekend, well mostly just Saturday night, with the concert and alcohol. It'll just be a ton of fun. Its been forever since i've drank, and its the most fun for to drink with special K, cause i feel more comfortable with the situation and can relax more.

I am so happy with him :)

Power Walking

Some of the days when I drive home from work, i see these two older ladies power walking. One may think this is an ordinary sight, but not in my case. These two ladies both have white-blonde hair, and orange skin... yes, orange. It is way past tan. And they wear rather low cut/revealing outfits to walk in. Not like most older ladies would wear at all. This just confuses me. I mean, the clothes dont really look good on them. It emphasizes the sagginess of their boobs.. I feel like these two women are the future of some of those girls from highschool that worried way too much about their appearance that they looked completely fake. Just wish they could see their future for themselves.

~nooblet

Moody Madness

I swear that boy.. i get into a mood where i am irritated with him and then he always says something to get me out of it without even trying. I had no real reason to be upset at him, just was, and he kept saying cute things like "just think, in 48 hours we will be in bed together :)" and he said "goodnight sweetie" to me tonight. I know that he wishes he could have me in his arms as much as i want to be there, but i just love when he makes it apparent. I cant stay mad at him. (my mad being a slightly irritated, make him take pay for what he said thingy, nothing serious) I just wanna cuddle up to him right now.. still got tonight and tomorrow by myself though. And two days at work with those kids and my 6:20 alarm clock. UGH... Is it my week off yet??

I cant wait for that week. First i get my road trip to New York :) then when i get back a few days of break, and then Waupaca volleyball tournament, all with my guy. And i finally am gonna see my friend again!! :D Still gotta find another guy though!!

"Noob"let

So my name on this blog is nooblet. I chose that name because my guy calls me noob all the time. I personally like nooblet more that noob, gives it more of a girly quality. But i embrace and actually like when he calls me noob. He has also called me nooblet before, because he knows about this blog, even though i wont let him read it. But i wanted to share some new versions of noob that be has called me. Last night he used "noobtastic" and today in texts he used "noobalicious"

I must say that my boyfriend is weird. Most people know about the "see you later alligator" and "in a while crocodile" right? Well who has ever heard of "catch ya later when you're straighter"??

Yep, this is the kind of stuff that i put up with.

~nooblet

Food Baby

I ate so much this evening at Noodles & Company that my tummy is sticking out in a way that makes me look pregnant. I'm pregnant with a food baby! My tummy is protruding out, and im just waiting for it to go back to normal. No more eating that much.. my poor food baby tummy.

Cars

I find it such a tease to see a really REALLY nice little sports car, with an old guy in it.. I think it should be a rule that only good looking guys should be allowed to drive them. Cause i mean who really wants to be looking at this amazing car and see a middle aged, baling, slightly chubby, older man? It just doesnt fit. All these guys having their "mid-life-crisis" need to grow up and just accept that half of their possible life its gone. Too bad, so sad. But i dont want to be looking at a nice car then be sorry for looking cause of who is driving it.

~nooblet

Cute Little Things

Why does it take so much to get cute things out of my guy. Took me forever to get him to say that he wanted me in his arms :). He can make my day by just saying something cute or sweet to me unprompted. But it doesn't usually happen. I had to start it by saying that i missed him. Or asking him if i looked pretty in the picture. I want him to just say something, out of the blue. Cause he knows how to make me smile.

Swiggle

So when i am sitting/standing or whatever, i tend to move some part of my body back and forth. And one day i created a word to describe this random motion. Swiggle. I was sitting on a stool, swaying from side to side cause the stool has a swivel top. And out of my mouth came the word swiggle. Now, my mom thought it was kinda cute, and my guy just looked at me like i was crazy. So what, i make my own vocabulary! And so the word swiggle was born. Now whenever i Sw (sway, swivel, swirl) wiggle, it will be called a swiggle.

Moods and The Boy

I am just in this horrible mood currently. Half of me wants to cry and the other half of me is an undecided emotion. Doesn't help that my guy is oblivious to that kind of stuff. And although he said that he would keep me entertained and text me, long intervals happen, one lasted an hour. I respond then nothing. And i hate having to send another text just to get an answer back. He has also been jokingly asking me to visit him all day. He doesn't understand that if he doesn't seriously ask me, that i wont go. I need to know that he really wants me to visit and it wasn't just a thought that floated through his head... I don't want to fight for his attention, cause i want to give him his space so that i don't suffocate him or anything. I like him more than i thought. And i therefore am second guessing a lot because i don't want to do something stupid and lose him. But i am not that good at reading him, and he isn't very open about his feelings, and i just don't know what to do.
I've been in this weird messed up mood since about 5 pm this evening. And Mr. Clueless over here seems oblivious even though i told him i was in a mood. I just want him to show he cares more.. And the half of me that wants to cry keeps showing its ugly head..

Pissy

I am so F***ing pissed right now. Guys need to understand how easy it is to put girls into moods when they are on their periods. Or at least me. I blame the birth control. Having my hormones regulated makes life hell for the week i'm not on it. And talking to me for 40 minutes about an issue between you are your ex gf is not gonna put me into a cheery mood! Why on earth would it.. When we both know that we should go to bed by 11pm, cause we both have early jobs in the morning, why would you start talking about that subject?? Then say something stupid, and basically log off facebook. UGH!! Getting a text saying sorry and goodnight is not cutting it. I'm seriously gonna boycott his texts tomorrow... I'm pissed.

PMS

I hate that my body knows when I'm close to being on the week off my birth control. PMS is a bitch and i hate blaming things on that, but its true. I already feel like i look bloated, and i'm in a mood. I've actually been pissy all week. Why do girls have to deal with the mess of all that. Guys have it so incredibly easy!!

Bad Dreams..

Lately I've been having bad dreams.. I usually dont remember my dreams, and i know that i have been lately based on the time i go to bed and am waken up by an alarm in the morning, cutting my dream short, but making me remember it.

My dream from last night took me on a wild goose chase. I recall being in Bemidji, I know this because i was with my ex (N) for some reason. Just hanging out with him and our mutual friend A. It was obvious we werent together because i knew i was with K like i am. And i think I was going to school at bemidji still, that was clear cause i couldnt move into my room yet. Which led me to being at N's house.. where i saw his parents. His mom always hated me and always really liked A. So that part of the dream was a horrible reminder of that.
Then the dream turned into me at my house, my old house, the one we sold. And a cleaning crew was there, but they turned into people that posed as a cleaning crew and robbed you of everything.. This is about when i wake up. I think the second part of my dream is that i feel like my house has been taken away from me. Since i lived there my whole life, and suddenly dont have it anymore. And i know its true cause I am tearing up thinking about it.

I just hope this constant bad dream run will stop. Give me a happy dream! Maybe i need a dream catcher again. I had one when i was little, my brother made one and gave it to me cause i had a lot of bad dreams. But then i never really remembered my dreams and i blamed the dream catcher, so i gave it to my sister about a year ago. Might need a new one..

Paleness

So I don't get outside a bunch just to get sun.. So people start to say crazy things, like call me a ghost or ask if i glow in the dark. I've always liked being pale. Its not like I try to be pale, it just don't sit out in the sun in my bathing suit for an hour every day or pay to go to a tanning salon. Its not that big of a deal to me.
Today, I was at my guy's softball tournament, and was purposefully out in the sun so that i would actually get some color.. and i got some. The color red. And it probably wouldn't look that bad currently, if it wasn't for those fun things called tan lines, which shows just how white you were before, and how bad the burn actually is. There is a big contrast, lets just leave it at that. But i am so not a ghost right now, so take that people!

Weekend

So, I never got to ride horses this weekend, but i was very happy to see my guy. I actually met both sets of parents, and spent a night at both of the houses. I know i didn't pass his dad's "test" because I am not the most outdoorsy girl in the world, i like my bed too much. But it was a rather lazy weekend. On saturday night, we took blankets out into his backyard and just laid out there for a while.. okay there was more than just laying out there, but you get the drift. Would have been nice if the sky wasn't over overcast, so we could maybe see the stars, but nope. Saw the moon through the clouds a bit though.

I was a little upset with the weather being so darn unpredictable. Rain, no rain, wind like crazy. Kinda cool, hot and muggy. Ugh!!

Also, parents.. Its not that they have to disappear completely, but i feel like i cant be snuggly when they are around. And strangely enough my guy is very snuggly. Never would've thought that.

I would continue, but i'm tired, and having some difficulty typing now. Using the backspace a LOT

Apparently I Had Something to Say

I really dont even know what I plan on writing about, but i feel like writing something. So its a complete mystery to me what will be following this sentence. My parents are being ridiculous. So im not a virgin. Its not a secret. And my parents know im not. I am visiting my new boyfriend for the first time since we became official, and i havent had sex with him so far. My mom is being rather annoying.. she asked me where i was gonna sleep so i lied and said i would make sure I slept on the couch or something. Thing is, I am a very bad liar. And she has a way of asking me questions and getting the answer out of me without me saying a word.. and she emphasized how i shouldnt sleep with this new guy right away. She also wants to know his address and home phone number. Seriously?? She didnt do any of this crap with my last boyfriend. My mom also keeps asking me questions about this guy, and what we have in common, and how i shouldnt only do things that he wants to do. Geez mom, im not marrying the guy. Its called going out. Testing the waters. Calm the fuck down, pardon the language. I miss college so much for the freedom. Im not even living with my parents this summer, i'm living with their best friends. But when i was at college, i didnt have to explain where i was going and why. I had such freedom. I miss that...

~nooblet

Short But Sweet

Sometimes it takes some work to get out of him, but I love when he says cute little comments. :)

Right or Wrong?

What is it about me, where people NEVER listen to me when I know I am right about something?? Happens all the time! Seriously, I don't argue over something when I even have a doubt that I'm wrong. Because I would rather listen to what people have to say about something than make a fool out of myself. Yet when I know I am write, and voice my opinion, I get shut down. I'm sick of it. But it will continue to happen. And so is the cycle of my life

~nooblet

Freeblogdom

I dont know what I like about this so much, this blogging thing. Because it is basically the same as my journal, which has gotten absolutely no entries since i started this blog, yet I like writing to an audience and not to myself. Not that anyone really even reads this. Its just nice getting it out. Some of this stuff I probably would never talk about it person. Partly because I wouldn't think about it when around people, and partly because I never know how people will react, so I keep things to myself. I love the freedom of saying what I feel. Also very glad that my guy cant read them!! :)

Cookies!

Let me start out by saying that I know this post is gonna jump around a bit, but first off. I get a knock on my door shortly after midnight. The mom of the people I live with has been making cookies!! So i am invited to have one. I was so happy, I love fresh made chocolate chip cookies, I always wished that my own mother would randomly make them when i was home from college for a weekend, but she isnt the baking type. This lady however, LOVES to cook. Any type. She made cookies and potato salad tonight. Prepared to make muffins for tomorrow. And prepared a whole meal for her husband and son to take fishing tomorrow. I must say, the food is a major plus of living here.
Secondly, my friend had an event planned for her friends. I found out that no one showed up. And i really wish I could have been there for her. But summer has separated us, not by too much, but enough to make it an inconvenience. Plus since I found out at about 2 in the morning, there wasnt much I could do. If i was there, I would do something stupid that would make her laugh, which is our way. Because I know her pain.
I talk to about 2 people from high school still, and i dont talk to or see them often. I also have already lost touch with most of the people from my first college. I seem to be a roamer. Not really able to keep friends, and I dont understand why. I try to be nice, I dont do anything mean. I just dont seem to understand. People dont seem to like me for me, so i bother trying after i get blown off enough.
Currently, I just wish I could crawl into my guys bed, and have him hold me. Even though he will fall back asleep super fast cause i woke him up, and as he falls asleep he would roll away, silly boy cant sleep touching people. Also wakes up to the slightest movement, which is why i know he would wake up if i crawled into his bed. But i like him anyways. And he tends to wake up earlier than me anyhow, cause i like my sleep :)

Movies

So I saw Robinhood tonight, good movie, I wont give anything away other than they kiss but who doesn't see that one coming? I also saw Leap Year yesterday, in which they also kiss, but saying that really doesnt ruin the ending of the movie so dont worry. I need to stop watching all these romantic movies by myself or with family.. I just wanna kiss someone so badly when I watch them. I dont wanna kiss just anyone, cause that would be weird, but it makes me want a slow passionate kiss with the person I like. Unfortunately, he isnt really the slow passionate kissing type. Kissing bores him to some extent. Then again, he has never made out with anyone that actively kisses. So I'm gonna do my best to change his mind on that topic :)
Ugh, I just so badly want to kiss him right now!
Its been 2 weeks since I have seen him, and I have another week to wait. But when I him in a week, it will be the first time I see him since he asked me out.. Scary thought!
Have I ever mentioned that I make situations awkward VERY easily? well I can. My volleyball team in high school nicknamed "the Queen of Awkwardness"... which I actually kind of like. But it does explain me well. I just hope that when I see him again, I wont make the situation awkward. If i was in the movies I wouldn't. I have would have a cute little line to everything that got thrown at me. But nope. I get shy, and quiet and over think things. I guess it just means I got stuff to work on.

Not A Multi-Tasker

Isn't it amazing how obvious people make it when you aren't the most important person in the room/conversation/etc.? I admit that i do this. Someone will keep you company while you wait for another person to show up, but once that person shows up, the other person no longer exists. I just went through this. And i would like to clarify that i am not upset about this, merely writing down that it happened to me tonight. With my boy. Since our thing is long distance, although only an hour away, we text a lot. Until either me or him have something to do. In this case, he is busy. And by the time he will be un-busy )not sure when that will be) I will more than likely be busy.. He was expecting a friend to visit him, so the last thing he said to me in text, "He's here. Bye"
And so ended our conversation.

Happy Trail

Happy trail, treasure trail, whatever people are calling belly fuzz today..
I like to play with it when i cuddle. i like to trace my fingers all over a guys body, and play with the hair on their happy trail. I don't know what entices me so much about this, the contrast between smooth skin and the patch of hair? Perhaps because I am a tease and it probably turns the guy on while doing nothing of the sort to myself. Maybe I should ask if guys like that next time I find myself doing this particular activity.
I also found myself discussing this topic with a friend, and how much of a happy trail I like. I decided that around belly button and lower is the perfect amount. None of this chest full of hair business. I say that when that happens, it is no longer a happy trail, but just a mess. There is no happy forest, you would get lost in the trees and never find your way along the trail!
This is my insight for the night

~Nooblet

Blinkers

Click... Click... Click...
Is it really that difficult to signal your turn or lane shift people? Common courtesy is that you use your blinker. I use my blinker when no other car is even in sight! It is a good habit. I'll admit, people not using their blinker is a big pet peeve of mine. Doesnt take much energy and i'm sure all the people around you will appreciate it. So please consider it next time.

~Nooblet

Changes

I was really not expecting today to go how it has been. I was all prepared for the rainy weather, which was matching my mood. But Konfused, apparently now not confused, asked me out. Trust me, I was not expecting this in the slightest. But that obnoxious, frustrating, somehow sweet guy realized I was worth it in some way or another. Just as the weather is starting to clear up, and the sun beginning to show its face again, I too am in a better mood.

Now just to see how long it will stay, since I am moving out of my dorm today and away from the freedom of college life. I will be leaving a friend that I have just recently made, but love to spend time with. And i will be moving into a house that I feel like a guest in. Only 3.5 months of summer though.

Summer will be a mixed blessing. Summer means my time with the guy, but not with my friend. But school will mean time with my friend, but not with the guy, who will probably be leaving in October. I suppose I should just let things play out how they will. I've always been bad at that though. I like to meddle with my own life. Hmm.. Wish me luck.

~Nooblet

Time

I know that this is wrong, but sometimes I wish I had something: cancer, some rare disease. I am not suicidal or contemplating death. I just wonder, and sometimes feel like I'm not meant to have a full life. I want to be given a certain time to live, and do Everything that I have always wanted. I think that I would be happier.

I also talk about wanting someone to love me for me.. I had that. It wasnt the perfect relationship, but he loved me and I loved him. And I chose to end it. Love doesnt conquer all things... And whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost, then not loved at all, can go crawl in a hole and die. Because I wouldn't have to pain that I currently have if i hadnt gone through it. I'd rather be curious and wondering then feeling my heart rip into pieces. I thought I was over this, but Konfused is making me realize how much i loved about my ex.

So I want to be diagnosed with something, told that I have 6 months to live, or whatever. And be happy for that short amount of time rather than confused, hurt, worried, annoyed, and lost for a long unknown amount of time.

Happily Never After

If there is no such thing as a fairy-tale, then why do people wish for them so?
Yet I have accepted that my life wont be in the story books. I do however still wish for a guy to just want me, for me. A guy that will love me, and me him. Too much to ask for? Maybe. I know I wont find that guy or that love anytime soon. But why cant i actually ENJOY life until I met the right guy for me?

I Am Lost.

I feel like I have been jumping all over the place and just need to take a chill pill and relax. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. I am lost. I am scared. I just don't know anymore. I feel like I don't belong where I am.. Like I should be on a completely different path. I feel like i was forced into this life and am now stuck living it. Can I just fast forward life to next semester? I dont want summer at all. It is just causing me drama and stress. I dont want to live with the family friends I am supposed to live with. I want my house, my room, my life BACK. I have a room, but it wont be MY room, I'll be in a house, but it wont be HOME. I just want to be a hermit this summer. I'll go to work, then go back to the room assigned to me and hide. No people, No boys, No drama. Just me and my computer.
I'm in control of my own emotions. They are controlling me. But I am also letting them. Because once they do their ups and downs, they will even out and I will feel better.

I am lost. Lost in my own head.
I am scared. Scared of where my life is going.
I just don't know anymore. Don't know what I am doing or why.

I want things to go smoothly for once, for everything to just be alright. I want someone to wrap their arms around me, tell me everything is okay, because they are there for me. But I'm alone in this world just like I have always been, and will be for the foreseeable future. I have accepted this. Because that is what I do. Accept what I am given. Without complaint to who is offering it to me. But that does not mean that I WANT it, not in the least.

Confused By Konfused

I just want to be out of this confused state. I want to know what is happening with my own life, thank you. Here is my dilemma, the boy (lets called him Konfused) was talked to by a friend of mine today, trying to get him to choose between just friends, or a relationship. I mean, being in a relationship isnt that scary, because you can choose to end them at any time. He can't expect me to keep visiting him and planning things with him if I am just his friend. It just seems weird to me, having only one female friend continuously visiting but to not be in a relationship with said person, when it is obvious they like them! Lets put this in math terms, since its my major (I'll keep if easy though): lets say that 2 = [in between] which is where i am with this guy. 2+1=3, where 2-1=1. that simple. Pick if you want to add me or subtract me 3= [you and me] , 1= [you]
I think it makes perfect sense. Guess i'll just have to wait and see if he ever decides.

Men Are Dumb And Jerks

Okay, men, what is it about keeping your "rep" and saying something rude in public, then something extremely sweet in private!? Is there something programmed into men that make them act like a jerk in public, but then switch it for private? And i know the whole excuse, that guys are mean to the women they like, but some things just go too far.. I could do without the comment from this morning. Okay, I'm moving on now.

Boys Are Dumb

Is it really that difficult for guys to show girls a little bit of attention? I know that things would never work out in the long run with the guy that I currently like, but he obviously likes me too, so why can't we just let things play out how they want. I hate being in this more than just friends, but less than a relationship situation.

My heart flutters when he texts me unprompted, and I can't help but smile to some of the things I read. But the other half of the time, he won't text back, will stop texting suddenly, or will act like he doesn't care. He always jokes that I should visit him, but to me it is just a joke, not an actual invitation. I cant tell what he is actually thinking. Seriously guys, just say what you mean for once.

I can understand the fear of being rejected; I have also felt that sting which I am sure is why I haven't asked a guy to a dance since. But most girls (stay away from the bitchy stuck-up ones) will do their best to let you down kindly if they don't like you the same way. But all the stupid boys out there, who wont say how they feel, are the reason for this rant. Suck it up, and show some emotion for once.