Self Conscious

I know that for the most part, i have no reason to be so self conscious right now. But its difficult. I really do seem pudgier than usual. Probably because i havent been playing a sport regularly for a while now.. I also have been feeling lazier and lazier.. Plus special k is super skinny and fit. I could probably wash my clothes on his abs (washboard, or close to). And he has never commented on my body in a negative way.. But, i dont know. I just feel like im pudgier, and cant do anything about it. If there was an elliptical here, i might go on it, but im not about to go running outside in the heat. I just dont know what to do. I dont feel like i've been overeating at all..

Its because of K i know it is. He complained about his own appearance, although he HAD like nothing to worry about. but he called it his winter weight. like 5 lbs. nothing on him. And now he is bragging about how he looks. I doubt he is trying to make it seem like bragging. He is just happy about how he looks. But now i feel like im fat compared to him.

I know he isnt doing it to make me feel bad, and i havent told him any of this. If i did, he would probably tell me that its my problem and to kick things in gear and get myself to the body that i want.. and i dont want to hear that right now.

I'm just apparently not in a good mood right now. Im sad. Im crying. Im breaking down. And i cant tell him that. Or at least, i cant bring myself to.

He put up with all my emotional bullshit when we were just friends so i dont know why i cant bring myself to tell him stuff now.. but i cant. But i know that keeping things in just makes me lose control some other time. So here is me getting it out. Writing this crap, and crying. And hoping the same thing wont happen again tomorrow, although the odds arent good.

Waiting

The other day, when i was bored. I read all of special k's notes on facebook. That combined with the fact that i know he has either broken up with his ex's or its been mutual. And he wants to move out West. He should have an interview for one of the places he applied for soon.. He wants to travel. To see the world before he settles down. He doesnt want a leash. And i'm starting to think thats what i would be. He would try to run too far away and be tugged back. He wants away from here. And im stuck here, for at least two more years. So, im waiting.

I'm waiting for the heartache, the pain, the loneliness.

I'm waiting for my life to once again be a wreck.

Its just a matter of time until the hurt

and again my life will be torn apart.

I just dont see us working out long term. I feel like i would be a weight, preventing him from his goals in life. I guess its a wait and see thing, cause he is gonna have to get rid of me when the time comes, if it does.

Wandering Mind

I'm bored. As simple as that. And when I'm bored my mind wanders.

First, I'm a creeper. And I was looking at my ex-boyfriend's facebook page. He has a new girlfriend. And I am happy for him. I realized that I probably wouldn't feel this way if I didnt also have some in my life, or if I hadn't gotten my boyfriend first, because I didnt truly realize that I was over him until I had someone new. And so is the way of life. In my mind, everyone is in some way a rebound. Its just the severity of the rebound that changes. Even crushes are rebounds of other crushes. For me, life is just more exciting having someone in it, even in crush form. Anyways, so I'm happy for my ex, and I wish iI could tell him that and wish him the best, but I know that this girl is probably more of a rebound for him, than Special K is for me.

Secondly, I was thinking about Special K, and realized that I need to think less. I analyze way too much. Not even about him, but about my views of him. Overall I think too much. I dont just go with the flow or let things happen. Which can be a good or bad thing. Example, me dancing. I cant relax and just dance without worrying what other people will think. Which is partly why I like to drink, so that I wont fuss over every little thing that I do.. But to my point. I think over my time with Special K, and I wonder if I like him as much as I think I do. Can you see my problem? I dont know how to not worry over my feelings... hmm.

Living Conditions

I dont want to live here anymore. I feel like I cant be myself. I live with some family friends. In fact my dad's best friend. But they have specific views on things and it is driving me crazy. I feel like every move I make is being watched.. and I'm not joking. I had to work later than usual the other night, and I let them know that I wasnt going to be back for dinner. So when I got back to the house, and heard them eating in the kitchen, I went upstairs. Then Lu comes into my room later that night saying something about how it would have been nice if I had come in to say hello.. But the way she said it made me seem at fault. And today she came in and said that I cant eat in my room. Its not like I bring meals up here or anything. I have a bag of chips. Thats all. I just cant stand not being able to just be myself. The only mess in here is my clothes and stuff which which is more just clutter at the moment, and will leave as soon as I do. I'm just so frustrated!

Ughh

Ugh, i am just NOT in a good mood right now..

I hate crying.

I like crying when i can watch a sad movie and need a release, but not this crappy mood, cant help but cry stuff.

And there is no point in telling Special K that im sad or anything cause all he says is that there isnt anything he can do but text hug me.. So i dont tell him. And his memory is so bad, he doesnt even remember when i ended up crying in the tent this past weekend.

just UGH.

the one plus of my super emotional ex, was that he picked up when i was in a funk, even over text, and asked me what was wrong and what he could do.

K just gives me space.. which doesnt help me much in relationships. There is already too much space. I dont need more.

Heartbroken

I have been thinking over my past relationship a bit, and have realized that I probably wasnt in love with him. Makes sense. I said "I love you" to him, then took it back about a month later, then told him it again sometime after that. But i feel like i used that phrase because it comes out so easily. I tell my mom and dad, and my sister that i love them. In regular conversation. Also being around another person so much and being so close to them. I sometimes have to catch myself before I say it.

He will still be my first love, because I did love him, just not as much as i thought i did. Easy way to tell: I still wanted to be friends with him. And i suppose because i broke up with him and not the other way around. And because I broke up with him, my heart didnt break as much. It still hurt, dont get me wrong. But i have a feeling it could hurt a LOT more..

And THAT is a feeling I dont want to experience. But i also feel like it might happen with Special K. Not anytime soon hopefully. But I was friends with him before we were together, so I would be loosing him in two ways, loosing a boyfriend and a friend.

I just feel like he is bound to break up with me at some point. Because we are very different, and he wants someone that he can do those things with, and some of them (rock climbing) i just dont see happening... He is also planning on moving out West. If not this fall/winter, then sometime next year. Eventually it'll happen.

And i just dont know how much he actually likes me, and I would feel weird asking him. Like then he thinks i'm questioning things, or thinks im jealous, or in constant need of reassurance. I dont want to push him away.

He told me yesterday that he learns something new about me every time we are together, so I asked for an example, his reply "i learned that you're unsure on what to do to help out camping" ... not what i wanted to hear.

But he also told me that I can stay at his trailer anytime. He would put a vb net outside, a tv inside and a bunch of pretty things around for me to take pictures of. He would even find a way to get internet. :)

He says super cute things sometimes, and other times, i just wonder..

sigh, i swear he will be the first one to actually break my heart.

Disappointment

I realize that I am often disappointed. I realize that this is mainly due to the fact that I imagine most things better in my head. I figured the statue of liberty would be bigger, times square squarer. Just lots of things. I wish that my imagination was real. That if I imagined it, it could be. If I wanted ice cream, then i would have it. If i wanted someone to hug me, they would. All with no effort on my part. I realize im being a bit ridiculous here, and that not everything should be that easy, but some things i wish would happen just cause i wanted it too.

mood: pondering