Spring Break Boy

So.. i kinda am crushing over SBB again.

I did this after spring break. I dont even know why i crush on him so much.

This all started up again when i randomly thought of him one day and sent him a message, he then asked to be my friend on facebook again. He thought i looked extremely hot in my profile picture. he recalled how great of a kisser i was, and conversation turned dirtier. He said that he wanted to get together over break. Then I found out he was going to throw a new years party, which i was invited to. Made sure it was okay with my friend Kim who i have spent the last couple years with for New Years. So we plan on going to New Years at SBB's house. I figured since he wanted to get together at some point over break, he could easily be my first new years kiss. But when i asked him, he said that he had this deal with a girl. If one of them didnt have someone to kiss on new years, they would kiss eachother.. So i get the short end of that stick. I only get a kiss if she doesnt come to the party. It kinda makes me feel unimportant. I almost wonder why i am going to the party at all. I will only know a few people, and barely at that. Only Kim will be a friendly face. And it seems like SBB doesnt even care if i go... i dont know. I want to go, cause i want to kiss him, but i am a little confused.

December Update

I'm in the mood to write. I've done this before, where i am just going to write and i have no clue where it is going to go, so bear with me if you are actually reading this.

I guess i'm going to write about blady. I know he has a girlfriend. I never pretended that he didnt, but i think its good that i am going away for a month. I know i deserve better than this. Better than to be the second thought. I deserve a guy that i wants to talk to me everyday, that wants to know what im thinking about and what im up to, that isnt afraid to be seen with me in public, and that likes me for me. So when i come back after this month away from school, i dont want to have my snuggle times with blady anymore. He has a girlfriend for that. He can drive the hour to go see her, i mean its an hour. When i was with shortcake he lived 4-5 hours away, now that was commitment.

J-term. I'm hoping to have some fun. I wanna go up to bemidji and see some friends that i havent seen in over a year. Although shortcake, who has a girlfriend, has been hinting something should happen. As much as i miss him and still have slight feelings for him, i know that he wouldnt be able to handle any of the regret that would come with cheating. I think that i should make out with his friend Augy, since shortly after i broke up with shortcake my friend Krista broke up with her boyfriend Augy. Then shortcake and krista made out. So i think it would only be fair if me and Augy made out as well. Haha. Even if i dont end up doing anything with anyone from bemidji, there is always the possibility of SPB (spring break boy- the guy i made out with on spring break). He is single, and i am single, and he mentioned perhaps meeting up over the break. And there is also the chance of a random guy at any point haha. I do want a new years kiss :)

The only think about spending j-term with my sister or doing anything with my sister is that a lot of the time i feel like a shadow of her while she is in the spotlight. I loved having her at my 21st birthday, but all the guys were obsessed with her. This happens a lot with her though. A guy will choose her over me close to every time. Damon said something about if i cant find a guy something is wrong, but i dont have the best confidence. i cant just walk up to a guy and start a conversation. Its something that i need to work on. I just fear rejection.. So i wanna step out of that shell and find me a man.