More Than a Feeling

I know that i have been with BJ for a very short amount of time, since we have been officially in a relationship for a total of 11 days, and we have been hanging out for just under a month, but I cant help but find myself falling for him. And what bothers me is that i cant talk to my rf friends about it because they dont understand the connection that me and BJ have. They didnt see me go through my relationship with nately, and only A saw me go through the relationship with Special K, but even then didnt see a lot of the little things. So my rf friends dont seem to see what i have with BJ, that he has never felt this way about any other girl, and i have never felt this way about any other guy. Yet, my other friends and even our families can see the difference. One of my friends said she could tell just by the way i talked about him over facebook chat. She said that it feels natural and right. My parents really like him, but even before they met him they were telling people they think he will be around for a long time. His parents said that he never seemed happier and to not let me go.

I've just never felt like this before, things just click with us. We fit each other extremely well. I honestly have a hard time not having strong feelings for him. I have to prevent myself from saying things to him cause i know that we have only been together a short time. But I feel this connection to him. I have stronger feelings for him than both nate and kris combined. But i know that we feel the same way about each other which is an amazing feeling. I have him and he has me, and its amazing. I have my superman.

Cuddling

So while cuddling with BJ, i got to thinking that I dont cuddle the same with every guy. The easiest people to compare my cuddling styles with is BJ and Stout. With stout, I would would lay faced away from him, and he would spoon me. But with BJ, i put my head on his chest and run my fingers all over his body. I could snuggle up with him all night, just running my fingers on his skin. I want to be next to him, when im away from him im thinking about him, and whenever im thinking about him I am smiling. I honestly have never felt this way before.

Falling Fast

I like this guy. Really like him. Thinking about him brings a smile to my face. He is a cheesy romantic and i like every little bit of it. He tells me that im beautiful, that when he thinks about me he smiles, that im amazing, and of course that im adorkable. He is what i need in a guy. A cheesy romantic smart-ass athletic geek. Someone that i can cuddle up to and feel safe with, someone who i feel like i wont break in half, someone who takes my considerations into account. Even just making out with him is amazing. I am a reaction person and i definitely get reactions out of him :). I like that we are taking things slow sexually though. No clothes have come off at all. But he still manages to tease me back as much as i tease him. If he tickles me, i tickle him, or vice versa. He teases me, i tease him back. We both end up wanting more than that but i wont give in cause i know he wants to wait with things, and i wont let him give in for the same reason. Because we havent done anything more, every little thing we do feels that much more intense. I hadn't had a straight up make out session in over two years. And that is a long time considering my first kiss wasnt even two and a half years ago, and that i have slept with 4 people in that time, and kissed 7. Yet not one really good makeout session.

Last night I was at his place again. We laid in his "bed" which is currently a pull out couch.. but i am going to help him pick out a bed, most likely over spring break. Anyways, we were in bed cuddling talking for the longest time before we actually went to sleep. He made a comment about me smiling the whole time, but he just makes me so happy. He says that he likes everything about me, my smile, my laugh, my personality. Its nice being with someone who really appreciates me for me, who i can see myself with long-term. I know its still very early in, but I am really falling for this guy, and fast.

Good Feeling

So.. there is a new guy in the picture. I think. We will call him BJ. He is a friend of a friend and i have always thought he was really attractive. And he helped push my car when it wasn't cooperating, but he had a girlfriend then. He recently broke things off with her, then went after A, but A said he wasn't her type. I was being myself, and i know im a flirt but i wasnt necessarily trying to go after BJ, just seemed to end up that way. I wasnt even sure if Friday night was a date, but my whole family and people on the vb team seemed to think it was. Since he picked me up, we went to dinner, he paid, then he paid for the hockey game too.

I dont even know what to say about him. He is one of those people that knows everyone, and everyone knows them. He could could pick almost anyone, but for some reason he is going after me. We are going to hang out on Thursday now, going to a movie i believe. I just feel good about this. It's been a while since I've had a good feeling about a guy.

I mean, i liked DD from the one time i met him, but I had a feeling nothing was going to come from it.

i knew i didnt want a relationship with Stout at all.

with SBB i knew it would never amount to anything even though we flirt off and on.

Blady definitely wasnt going to work considering the whole him having a girlfriend thing.

Freshie I had an okay feeling after the first hangout, but that went downhill fast!

Special K i knew would end up hurting me..

and with Nately, i knew i would break his heart.

Sometimes I hate my intuition about things, but right now i like it, because BJ is an athletic geek, just like me. I never wanted a straight up geek, but i never that the jocks would want me, even though I'm a partial jock. He is this interesting blend between the two. He isn't an ass either, he is a genuinely a good guy. We have a lot in common, we even have the same birthday!! He is 3 years older than me, but still, crazy.

I just like him, and want to see how this plays out.

yeah...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

things keep going from shitty to shittier in a matter of seconds.. ugh. And all i want to do is sleep now.

But i want it...

Why do I do this? I always want who and what i cant have..

I feel like i'm a senior in high school again crushing over blake.. I had a major crush on him for the ENTIRE year. We had band class together, and had mutual friends in the class, so i was around him a lot. When we traveled to California for our trip, i sat with him on almost all the rides at Disneyland, and sat with him on the bus we had for travel in california. He even danced with me at prom. He grabbed my hands and put them around his neck. But he dated one of my best friends early that year and was still very much hung up on his ex.. Still i had the biggest crush on him.

In the same way I have a crush on DD. I texted him that i had a good time at dinner, and i havent gotten a response at all. I know its only been a couple of days, i just have bad feelings about it :/

And you would think that id be over blady by now.. but nope. Seeing him again didnt help. At all. And i know that he has a girlfriend, i know that he is just using me when he talks to me and invites me over, and i know that he is no good for me. But i want what i cant have. I like the thrill of sneaking around, and misbehaving. I just dont like that i dont exist when he doesnt want anything, or that there is no feeling behind anything.

Overthinking

I usually dont remember my dreams, but i do remember some of my dreams from last night. I kept dreaming that DD called me or texted me, asking me out again. I also dreamed that there was a picture of us together.

I just cant stop thinking about him. This isnt good. What if nothing else comes out of it :/ I always fall for the ones that dont seem to want me back.. what if this is another of those situations? Especially since i suck at making moves, so if another date happens, it really is in his ballpark, and ugh.. im overthinking. I know i am i just cant stop..