Lost

Have you ever been standing in a crowd and felt the world move around you?

You try to move or turn or even speak, but its all useless.

You are stuck. Lost in a sea of chaos, just waiting to be pulled under.

I feel like that right now. The days just keep getting worse as I get closer to the end on my stay here, making it impossible for me to be happy that I get to go home since I have so much to worry about before I can.

I am sitting here, watching my group members rewrite my entire part of our presentation. Literally watching, because we are doing it on google docs so that we can all write. And as I watch little pieces of me keep withering away. The introduction, my part of our presentation, sounds nothing like me. I think I am going to get confused saying it, so how is the audience going to be able to understand it? Every suggestion I make gets shot down, so I have stopped bothering. Instead I focus my attention on not breaking down in front of them at this very moment. I focus my attention on things that I do have control of, like this blog.

I'm here but not here. Everything moving around me while I merely watch.

I try to move, to turn, to speak. But all in vain.

I am stuck. Lost in the words that I am going to have to say, waiting for it to pull me under.

I'm Not 5..

Last night I was in a funk, like a really bad funk. I've been looking at prices online for things like dresses and flowers and honeymoon (so expensive!) and its been getting me down. I need to get a part time job this year, i need to pay for rent, and for food, and for all this wedding stuff. And I know I that I havent been living at home for a while, but I was never really out in the world by myself, having to pay for these things. So to me it felt like I was being shoved out into the real world. No one seemed to be understanding just how stressed i was and i broke down. Of course BJ got the blunt of it because he worries about me, and doesnt like to see me upset. I refused to actually call him and talk, so we were talking on fb chat. . when he used an all caps statement that looked like yelling, so I hid myself from him and wouldnt respond to any of his messages or texts or calls. Until all of a sudden mommy called me. He TOLD on me.. to my mom!! Not cool.. not cool at all. I'm not 5, i dont get to be tattled on anymore. I am aware that mom called me down and made me feel better about everything. But.. you just dont do that! So later when I did allow him to skype with me, i refused to talk. He was being punished. For over an hour during our conversation I would type to him in the chat window while he would talk. He is just lucky that I allowed him to see me. I thought about not enabling the video and making him suffer. But in the end, i felt too bad to do both.

Early Wedding Prep

Things with the wedding are already getting crazy! We have over 200 people on our tentative guest list (yikes!!), asked everyone we wanted to be in the wedding, picking a date and flowers and my dress and bridesmaids dresses.. AHHH!! I am getting so overwhelmed already. Big thing that is getting at me... how are we going to pay for this wedding?? We have no set budget yet.. obviously we are trying to save a pretty penny anywhere we can, but we need to know what we need to stay under.

I have also learned that I am wedding stupid. I know nothing! What would I do without my family and friends at a time like this. But I am still getting stressed out about it. Mom wants to know what my color scheme is, what kind of wedding dress i want, what flowers i like, and all of these things!! I dont know! I'm 8 hours away trying to figure things out over the phone. I dont know what kind of dress i want because i dont know what looks good on me yet, i feel like that will just come when i start trying dresses on. I mean, its a lot to think about on top of a full work day with no one around to actually talk to about it.

Hopefully things get easier when I get back in 3 weeks. And me and BJ can sit down with our parents and actually set out a budget.

Proposal

Ahhh!!

I keep looking down at my hand because there is this pretty rock around one of my fingers, around a very important finger. I'm engaged!!

BJ came to visit me this last weekend. I was waiting for him outside because I knew he would be getting there soon. As soon as he pulled into a parking spot I ran over to the car and got a big hug from him, then I got told that there was a surprise in the cooler in the trunk for me, so he opens the trunk then tells me to look in the cooler. I open it, look in, get really confused cause I dont see anything that would be a surprise, and I turn back towards him. I see him down on one knee with a box in his hands. I kinda freaked out a little bit and put my hand to my mouth and turned away for a second before turning back to face him again. I look around and there is a group of people standing around a car staring, and two people near the volleyball courts are staring. I finally ask BJ if he is gonna ask, which he does, then i say yes and everyone starts applauding!

It was kind of embarrassing having people watch, cause i'm not good at drawing attention to myself. So I dont really bring the engagement up unless someone asks about it. If they notice the ring themselves, i'll talk about it.