Heartbroken

I have been thinking over my past relationship a bit, and have realized that I probably wasnt in love with him. Makes sense. I said "I love you" to him, then took it back about a month later, then told him it again sometime after that. But i feel like i used that phrase because it comes out so easily. I tell my mom and dad, and my sister that i love them. In regular conversation. Also being around another person so much and being so close to them. I sometimes have to catch myself before I say it.

He will still be my first love, because I did love him, just not as much as i thought i did. Easy way to tell: I still wanted to be friends with him. And i suppose because i broke up with him and not the other way around. And because I broke up with him, my heart didnt break as much. It still hurt, dont get me wrong. But i have a feeling it could hurt a LOT more..

And THAT is a feeling I dont want to experience. But i also feel like it might happen with Special K. Not anytime soon hopefully. But I was friends with him before we were together, so I would be loosing him in two ways, loosing a boyfriend and a friend.

I just feel like he is bound to break up with me at some point. Because we are very different, and he wants someone that he can do those things with, and some of them (rock climbing) i just dont see happening... He is also planning on moving out West. If not this fall/winter, then sometime next year. Eventually it'll happen.

And i just dont know how much he actually likes me, and I would feel weird asking him. Like then he thinks i'm questioning things, or thinks im jealous, or in constant need of reassurance. I dont want to push him away.

He told me yesterday that he learns something new about me every time we are together, so I asked for an example, his reply "i learned that you're unsure on what to do to help out camping" ... not what i wanted to hear.

But he also told me that I can stay at his trailer anytime. He would put a vb net outside, a tv inside and a bunch of pretty things around for me to take pictures of. He would even find a way to get internet. :)

He says super cute things sometimes, and other times, i just wonder..

sigh, i swear he will be the first one to actually break my heart.