Self Conscious

I know that for the most part, i have no reason to be so self conscious right now. But its difficult. I really do seem pudgier than usual. Probably because i havent been playing a sport regularly for a while now.. I also have been feeling lazier and lazier.. Plus special k is super skinny and fit. I could probably wash my clothes on his abs (washboard, or close to). And he has never commented on my body in a negative way.. But, i dont know. I just feel like im pudgier, and cant do anything about it. If there was an elliptical here, i might go on it, but im not about to go running outside in the heat. I just dont know what to do. I dont feel like i've been overeating at all..

Its because of K i know it is. He complained about his own appearance, although he HAD like nothing to worry about. but he called it his winter weight. like 5 lbs. nothing on him. And now he is bragging about how he looks. I doubt he is trying to make it seem like bragging. He is just happy about how he looks. But now i feel like im fat compared to him.

I know he isnt doing it to make me feel bad, and i havent told him any of this. If i did, he would probably tell me that its my problem and to kick things in gear and get myself to the body that i want.. and i dont want to hear that right now.

I'm just apparently not in a good mood right now. Im sad. Im crying. Im breaking down. And i cant tell him that. Or at least, i cant bring myself to.

He put up with all my emotional bullshit when we were just friends so i dont know why i cant bring myself to tell him stuff now.. but i cant. But i know that keeping things in just makes me lose control some other time. So here is me getting it out. Writing this crap, and crying. And hoping the same thing wont happen again tomorrow, although the odds arent good.