L.O.V.E.

Love,

this word is thrown around way too often nowadays. I mean i use the word love. I always say things, like, I love chocolate. Or i love how you did your hair, etc. This isnt the use of the word love im referring to. I'm referring to people saying i love you, to other people and I'm sorry, but if you have known me for even a week, you dont just say "Love ya". I don't understand how people talk this way. I only use the word love with my family.. and unfortunately i cant get myself to say it to my brother. But i dont say it to friends, and especially not people i barely know.

But onto the main point of this blog. My ex, N. He was in love with me, which i dont doubt in the slightest. He still might take me back if i wanted him. But i also told him that i loved him. Then had to take it back.. then i eventually used it again. Thing is, that it just seems so natural to say it when you are with someone. Especially when they say it to you first. A lot of this was probably because N was my first boyfriend, and things got serious fast. But i know that I was never fully in love with him. Puppy love, yeah, but when i was with him, i let my mind wander off before my heart. I loved him in a way. Just not as deeply as it seemed.

Now, with Special K, I have to catch myself from saying it. It seems so routine. I say it to my parents and sister whenever i get off the phone with them. That and i would say it to N whenever we went to bed. So i find myself almost saying it with Special K. When i know that im not in love yet. I might be close to the kind of love that i had with N, but not sure i am even there yet. It doesnt help that Special K doesnt tell me how he feels really, so i mostly guess off what he says, which is really tricky!

It makes me wonder how much he likes me, and why he likes me, and all this stuff. He has said "i love you" to a couple of his ex's. But he said looking back, he really only meant it with one of them. Which i'm kinda jealous about. I wish i knew what that felt like.. I suppose i should be happy with the experience i had, since it was my first. I just wish he would give me a clue on how he feels...

Its kinda easy for me to doubt his feelings, because we both agreed to just being friends with benefits a while ago, then thanks to me wanting more, and some meddling from my friend, he asked me out. I know he doesnt regret it, and i suppose he could question my feelings too, since i agreed to just FWB. But me and my friend had to convince him to give me a chance. To risk the friendship to see if there was something more there. I know im probably over thinking.

Oh, and just a side note. He probably got facebook like freshman year of college, but still, out of the gf's he had at college, only the one girl that he really was in love with has been in his profile picture. But i have also :) seems like a somewhat good sign to me.

Well, its way past my bedtime. Night L.O.V.E. ;)

~nooblet