Update Alert

So.. talked to Special K. And now i'm single.

The first night was just horrible, I couldnt stop crying, and i couldnt sleep. I feel asleep around 1 just to wake up at 6:30, funn! And i looked like death in the morning. My eyes were all puffy and disgusting. The first half day at work, i kept trying to hold tears back, then my mom came over o her lunch break to the nanny house, and i started crying. Which was good i think, cause i got through the rest of the day rather well. And only had one short time of tears that night.

I really do think that because he was always so, lets say distant, before we broke up that i am taking the loneliness better than I did last time. I still hate that it had to happen this way because i did really like him, but im dealing.

Basically, i talked to him about what would happen when he would move out west and he said something like long distance not being fair to either of us. And i didnt want to just hang on and wait around for when he got a job offer just to be dumped then. So i'm trying to stay positive. Plus i'll be back at school soon with a whole bunch of guys. Now just to be more outgoing and meet them :)

So there is my update. Havent cried in at least 40 hours! I'm gonna come out stronger from this.

Unimportant

Special K came back from his trip yesterday, which I wasnt expecting until today. But I almost wish he hadnt come back yesterday. I didnt get anything like "i miss you" and nothing else cute either.. No calling me babes or nothing. I just feel kinda pointless to him right now. I feel like any other person, except that he talks to me regularly.

If he ever comes on Facebook tonight, which is likely, I'm gonna talk to him about stuff. About him going out West if he gets a job offer..

And im in a bad mood now. So i'll leave it here.

Craziness

I had the craziest dream last night. I was moving into my college dorm for this year, and had only brought up a little bit of stuff to my room. But when i went in the room, a bunch of my stuff was in their and also a bunch of someone else's stuff was in there. And then the dream went on to there being this guy that had a key to my room and did all that. But he was evil. And after me.. It was messed up.

Also today, Adam, one of the people i live with. Asked me today if Special K and I have had our first kiss yet.. Seriously?? Seriously!! So I told him that we had that before we even started dating. I mean me and K have been dating for 3 months.. why in the world would we have not kissed yet???? But Adam has been annoying me a bit, yet another reason why I cant wait to be back at school. Roughly a week left!

Missing You

Never the best to watch sad movies or romantic movies, when that special someone is far away. I watched The Last Song, and now i just miss you like crazy. I was missing you before. I dreamt that I called you a couple times asking you to meet me somewhere cause I had a surprise. And you showed up, telling me you had just gotten back from your trip. But in the dream I had forgotten that you were on a trip at all. Weird how i knew and didnt know all in the same dream.

But i miss you. And I'm worried. About when ever you leave. And i hate feeling this way. Stupid movie. I just want to talk to you, and have you reassure me..

About 3 more days until i get to talk to you again. Who knows how long until i get to see you.

Far Away

Ugh, i miss Special K. It has been 5 days since I had any sort of communication with him. Stupid outdoors. Keeping him from talking to me. I dont know what I miss so much. I want to be able to talk to him. But when i talk to him, I just miss being with him. Vicious cycle. Since we obviously cant be together as often as i would like.

Sigh... Off to bed i guess. Wish i could tell him good night.

Future

So I have decided that I'm going to talk to Special K about the future once he gets back from his trip. Considering the fact that I wont see him for a month, and that he wants to move out West as soon as possible. I dont even know when I'll get to see him before he leaves. So i figure that talking to him when he gets back from his trip makes a lot of sense.

I want to know what is going to happen once he is not only hours but states away. I want to know if we are just some summer fling, or if its more. If he can handle the long distance... I just want to know what he is thinking about us. So im gonna ask. Wish me luck, even though he doesnt get back for another 5 days.

Goodbye (I'm Sorry)

There is this song "Goodbye (I'm Sorry)" by And Then I Turned Seven. Its about suicide.

I'm gonna stress this right away. I would never commit suicide. I would never cause myself harm. But the song hits a nerve. Also, I'm not even in a sad mood. The song just came on randomly on my itunes, and got me thinking.

the chorus:

"And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.

Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.

I'm not worth any tears."

No one will cry over me. Thats what hits me.

I often who would notice if i was no longer there. If i died. I know the obvious people that would care. It seems like the young people that die, are always the person that was friends with everyone. I really want to know who would cry over me (again other than the obvious few). I want to know who would all come to my funeral. I have a feeling it wouldnt be that big of a number.

I wish i knew more than i did in life. I would like to know what its like to be a guy. And i want to know who would miss me if i died. There are so many out of my body experiences i would love to have. Just to be more aware of things. Death being one of them. If i could see what how people would be affected by my death, it might lead to me appreciating more. I dont know. But i am very curious.

Walls

I can feel myself putting walls up. And I really havent been trying to, but I need reassurance from him that i'm currently not getting. And im not going to ask for it. So i can feel the walls going up. Which is never a good thing. I know its just gonna create distance, yet I cant stop myself.

I cant stop myself from over thinking, from hurting, from questioning, from distancing myself.

And what makes things so much worse, is that i doubt he even notices the change.. so i am really just causing myself the pain....

TBC (to be continued)

I just spent the weekend with Special K, but now i wont get to see him for probably a month.. not cool. He has so many trips planned, and work when he is actually home, so I'm gonna be put on the back burner a bit. Which is okay, I understand that he has trips planned, and that he has to work, but a part of me is wondering if he is glad for this separation..

And i'm just so wishy washy with my feelings. I like him. Thats obvious enough. But i go back and forth on what i think he is feeling. Its just... so difficult to describe. I enjoy being with him, i just question so much. I always question. Every relationship that I've been in. Even the guy that I only dated back in high school. I analyzed everything. And i talk myself out of relationships. I've never been dumped. I'm used to being the person in the relationship that has lesser feelings.

I am just so confused. My thoughts are all jumbled... I'll try to write later to help make sense of this mess

Why..

Why do i let my emotions revolve around guys..

This is one of the main reasons that I hate being a girl. Guys have life so much easier. UGH!!

I shouldn't be this upset. I have no real reason, yet all i want to do is cry... And i suppose I should get used to this, but I hate it. I hate being in a long distance relationship. I dont know why I keep finding them. I just want a guy to be around. I want a hug without having to drive an hour. I want to know they care. I want to be able to do stupid random things with them, and not have to plan a visit. I want to at least be able to talk to them.. but even that is often difficult.

Special K is out with friends. And relatively close too. Yet, here I am, sitting in my room, by myself. I was texting him off and on, but i had to ask questions to get responses. I finally wrote something along the lines of "i'll leave you be now" and never got a response back. I HATE feeling this helpless. I hate that i need attention from him to be happy. I hate that i just cant tell him that i am feeling this way because i know he will just say something like "he cant do anything about it".

I just wish that he would talk to me, text me, unprompted. Call me sweetie, or babe, or something.

I wish i knew exactly how he felt.

I hate this feeling. I wish it wasnt this way.

L.O.V.E.

Love,

this word is thrown around way too often nowadays. I mean i use the word love. I always say things, like, I love chocolate. Or i love how you did your hair, etc. This isnt the use of the word love im referring to. I'm referring to people saying i love you, to other people and I'm sorry, but if you have known me for even a week, you dont just say "Love ya". I don't understand how people talk this way. I only use the word love with my family.. and unfortunately i cant get myself to say it to my brother. But i dont say it to friends, and especially not people i barely know.

But onto the main point of this blog. My ex, N. He was in love with me, which i dont doubt in the slightest. He still might take me back if i wanted him. But i also told him that i loved him. Then had to take it back.. then i eventually used it again. Thing is, that it just seems so natural to say it when you are with someone. Especially when they say it to you first. A lot of this was probably because N was my first boyfriend, and things got serious fast. But i know that I was never fully in love with him. Puppy love, yeah, but when i was with him, i let my mind wander off before my heart. I loved him in a way. Just not as deeply as it seemed.

Now, with Special K, I have to catch myself from saying it. It seems so routine. I say it to my parents and sister whenever i get off the phone with them. That and i would say it to N whenever we went to bed. So i find myself almost saying it with Special K. When i know that im not in love yet. I might be close to the kind of love that i had with N, but not sure i am even there yet. It doesnt help that Special K doesnt tell me how he feels really, so i mostly guess off what he says, which is really tricky!

It makes me wonder how much he likes me, and why he likes me, and all this stuff. He has said "i love you" to a couple of his ex's. But he said looking back, he really only meant it with one of them. Which i'm kinda jealous about. I wish i knew what that felt like.. I suppose i should be happy with the experience i had, since it was my first. I just wish he would give me a clue on how he feels...

Its kinda easy for me to doubt his feelings, because we both agreed to just being friends with benefits a while ago, then thanks to me wanting more, and some meddling from my friend, he asked me out. I know he doesnt regret it, and i suppose he could question my feelings too, since i agreed to just FWB. But me and my friend had to convince him to give me a chance. To risk the friendship to see if there was something more there. I know im probably over thinking.

Oh, and just a side note. He probably got facebook like freshman year of college, but still, out of the gf's he had at college, only the one girl that he really was in love with has been in his profile picture. But i have also :) seems like a somewhat good sign to me.

Well, its way past my bedtime. Night L.O.V.E. ;)

~nooblet