Lost

Have you ever been standing in a crowd and felt the world move around you?

You try to move or turn or even speak, but its all useless.

You are stuck. Lost in a sea of chaos, just waiting to be pulled under.

I feel like that right now. The days just keep getting worse as I get closer to the end on my stay here, making it impossible for me to be happy that I get to go home since I have so much to worry about before I can.

I am sitting here, watching my group members rewrite my entire part of our presentation. Literally watching, because we are doing it on google docs so that we can all write. And as I watch little pieces of me keep withering away. The introduction, my part of our presentation, sounds nothing like me. I think I am going to get confused saying it, so how is the audience going to be able to understand it? Every suggestion I make gets shot down, so I have stopped bothering. Instead I focus my attention on not breaking down in front of them at this very moment. I focus my attention on things that I do have control of, like this blog.

I'm here but not here. Everything moving around me while I merely watch.

I try to move, to turn, to speak. But all in vain.

I am stuck. Lost in the words that I am going to have to say, waiting for it to pull me under.

I'm Not 5..

Last night I was in a funk, like a really bad funk. I've been looking at prices online for things like dresses and flowers and honeymoon (so expensive!) and its been getting me down. I need to get a part time job this year, i need to pay for rent, and for food, and for all this wedding stuff. And I know I that I havent been living at home for a while, but I was never really out in the world by myself, having to pay for these things. So to me it felt like I was being shoved out into the real world. No one seemed to be understanding just how stressed i was and i broke down. Of course BJ got the blunt of it because he worries about me, and doesnt like to see me upset. I refused to actually call him and talk, so we were talking on fb chat. . when he used an all caps statement that looked like yelling, so I hid myself from him and wouldnt respond to any of his messages or texts or calls. Until all of a sudden mommy called me. He TOLD on me.. to my mom!! Not cool.. not cool at all. I'm not 5, i dont get to be tattled on anymore. I am aware that mom called me down and made me feel better about everything. But.. you just dont do that! So later when I did allow him to skype with me, i refused to talk. He was being punished. For over an hour during our conversation I would type to him in the chat window while he would talk. He is just lucky that I allowed him to see me. I thought about not enabling the video and making him suffer. But in the end, i felt too bad to do both.

Early Wedding Prep

Things with the wedding are already getting crazy! We have over 200 people on our tentative guest list (yikes!!), asked everyone we wanted to be in the wedding, picking a date and flowers and my dress and bridesmaids dresses.. AHHH!! I am getting so overwhelmed already. Big thing that is getting at me... how are we going to pay for this wedding?? We have no set budget yet.. obviously we are trying to save a pretty penny anywhere we can, but we need to know what we need to stay under.

I have also learned that I am wedding stupid. I know nothing! What would I do without my family and friends at a time like this. But I am still getting stressed out about it. Mom wants to know what my color scheme is, what kind of wedding dress i want, what flowers i like, and all of these things!! I dont know! I'm 8 hours away trying to figure things out over the phone. I dont know what kind of dress i want because i dont know what looks good on me yet, i feel like that will just come when i start trying dresses on. I mean, its a lot to think about on top of a full work day with no one around to actually talk to about it.

Hopefully things get easier when I get back in 3 weeks. And me and BJ can sit down with our parents and actually set out a budget.

Proposal

Ahhh!!

I keep looking down at my hand because there is this pretty rock around one of my fingers, around a very important finger. I'm engaged!!

BJ came to visit me this last weekend. I was waiting for him outside because I knew he would be getting there soon. As soon as he pulled into a parking spot I ran over to the car and got a big hug from him, then I got told that there was a surprise in the cooler in the trunk for me, so he opens the trunk then tells me to look in the cooler. I open it, look in, get really confused cause I dont see anything that would be a surprise, and I turn back towards him. I see him down on one knee with a box in his hands. I kinda freaked out a little bit and put my hand to my mouth and turned away for a second before turning back to face him again. I look around and there is a group of people standing around a car staring, and two people near the volleyball courts are staring. I finally ask BJ if he is gonna ask, which he does, then i say yes and everyone starts applauding!

It was kind of embarrassing having people watch, cause i'm not good at drawing attention to myself. So I dont really bring the engagement up unless someone asks about it. If they notice the ring themselves, i'll talk about it.

So Much But So Little

I like surprises. . . But did I mention that I am horrible at waiting for surprises..?

I know that BJ is going to propose, and while I have an idea, I don't know for sure when its going to happen.

I know and have seen a very pretty picture of the ring that my parents found and liked, but I don't know if thats the ring that he picked out with them last night.

I want tho know these things, but I really dont want to either, cause I want the surprise, the elation, the classic joy that is associated with a proposal. But I also want it all now. I want to be able to tell people, to be able to plan for a wedding, to look for a dress. I just am so excited for all of that, and I can talk about it with BJ and my parents, but I can't actually start anything. All I have been able to do is start a tentative guess list. And from the looks of my family and friends and his family and friends, we are gonna have a lot of difficulty keeping things as cheap as possible.

I just feel like I'm not a part of anything right now. BJ has seen my family more often than I have because I'm 7 hours away..

My parents got to watch BJ perform in his strongman competition, in which he got 2nd... next year we are taking first!

At the competition, my parents got to meet his parents for the first time. They hit it off, Dad N told BJ that he has to keep me because he likes my dad so much.

I'm missing out on everything here..

And I absolutely hate the math that I'm doing. Not like my group's project, just math research. But I got through to my mom and we are going to talk about my future when I get back, but I'm not being forced into graduate school anymore :)

I just wish I was done with this now. But I'm only half way, after this week I have exactly 4 weeks left, which means I've been here for 4 weeks. All i can say, is that I'm glad that I'm not a part of the 10 week programs.

Bitter Sweet

It has been a very bitter sweet time for me lately.

Its been nice not having classes and homework, and getting some distance from the drama that has been accumulating in RF, but I hate being away from BJ. In the same way its nice being back around my family and friends, but im not really home.. hopefully I will have an actual room in an actual house when i get back from Nebraska. I have been busy relaxing while trying to get as much stuff in as possible, which is a difficult task, and i still have so much stuff that i need to get done for Nebraska and i take my GRE this thursday... And i havent been doing much studying.. Sigh. There needs to be more time in the day, and i need more motivation.

Im a slacker.. Always have been. But I'm an intelligent slacker, so i usually get by on my good memory and as little work as possible. I dont know what BJ sees in me sometimes. I dont know what my family sees in me sometimes. I honestly do as little as i possibly can. School, work, life.. if there is an easier option, i tend to do it. And I am with this amazing guy, who puts in so much effort in everything he does. He has all these goals he wants to accomplish, and he takes steps towards accomplishing them. I still dont know what i want to do with my life. People keep placing these steps in front of me, so i climb them. Honestly, I wish i lived in the 50s or whatnot. I'm not a feminist, men can jump higher, run faster, and get away with a lot more than women. Im fine with that. I dont like driving, and i would have enjoyed being woo-ed by gentleman suiters, rather than dealing with the crappy dating-life i grew up with. I could see my self being a stay at home mom, making dinner, cleaning, taking care of the kids. Because it would have been put in front of me to do. I wouldnt have to think it out. It would be simple. Unfortunately, i live here and now. With all these options... I mean, i like options, when given 2 or 3. But i also like simple. So if i was given one option, i could probably accept that, depending on the one option.

Yeah, this blog is kinda going off track... basically life is bitter sweet. I'm enjoying it at the moment, but stressing about all these little things still. And missing my baby most of all. Gotta kick my butt in gear here for the next couple days, thats for sure. Gotta get the mental strength going again.. and the physical.. im weak :/ its crazy how fast it happens, but im sure my butt is going to be kicked into gear next year with BJ getting me into shape. Ahhh, that could be scary!

Running Out Of Time

So many things to do and they are approaching so fast. Finals are next week, and I still have tests and stuff to get done for all my classes that are ending this week. I want to just be enjoying the time I have left of school because its ending so fast and all the due dates are just stacking up. Packing alone seems like a crazy task. I am going to need to pack stuff that will basically be stored for the summer, and then pack the stuff I'm going to need and plan on taking with me to Nebraska. After I finish all my finals and actually leave rf, i am going to have to put in some solid studying time. cause two weeks after finals, i take my GRE. Not to mention I plan on going to a Twins game earlier that week, and as soon as im done taking my test I have to go up to my cousins to prepare for her wedding. Thank goodness its not my wedding, but I probably wouldnt chose such a hectic time in my life. Note to self: dont swamp yourself when you actually do get married. Then a week after the wedding I go to Nebraska for two months, 8 whole weeks. That is going to be tough.

This whole summer is going to be tough. After seeing BJ every single day, being apart will be hard. Especially since I will be super busy before I go to Nebraksa, so i wont be able to see him much, and the whole time im in Nebraska I definitely wont see him. I wouldnt expect him to drive out to see me. So it wont be until August when I would be able to visit him, and I dont even know if i will really be able to see him then since he has kind of ridiculous work hours over the summer. Crazier than they are now. I just want to be back at school this fall, so I can be with him again. Only a couple minutes away.

But being back at school this fall just means more work.. When will this craziness end?? After I get my masters? Or will i actually go all the way to getting my PhD? And then I will have to get a job.... Growing up sucks. I liked being young and care-free.

More Than a Feeling

I know that i have been with BJ for a very short amount of time, since we have been officially in a relationship for a total of 11 days, and we have been hanging out for just under a month, but I cant help but find myself falling for him. And what bothers me is that i cant talk to my rf friends about it because they dont understand the connection that me and BJ have. They didnt see me go through my relationship with nately, and only A saw me go through the relationship with Special K, but even then didnt see a lot of the little things. So my rf friends dont seem to see what i have with BJ, that he has never felt this way about any other girl, and i have never felt this way about any other guy. Yet, my other friends and even our families can see the difference. One of my friends said she could tell just by the way i talked about him over facebook chat. She said that it feels natural and right. My parents really like him, but even before they met him they were telling people they think he will be around for a long time. His parents said that he never seemed happier and to not let me go.

I've just never felt like this before, things just click with us. We fit each other extremely well. I honestly have a hard time not having strong feelings for him. I have to prevent myself from saying things to him cause i know that we have only been together a short time. But I feel this connection to him. I have stronger feelings for him than both nate and kris combined. But i know that we feel the same way about each other which is an amazing feeling. I have him and he has me, and its amazing. I have my superman.

Cuddling

So while cuddling with BJ, i got to thinking that I dont cuddle the same with every guy. The easiest people to compare my cuddling styles with is BJ and Stout. With stout, I would would lay faced away from him, and he would spoon me. But with BJ, i put my head on his chest and run my fingers all over his body. I could snuggle up with him all night, just running my fingers on his skin. I want to be next to him, when im away from him im thinking about him, and whenever im thinking about him I am smiling. I honestly have never felt this way before.

Falling Fast

I like this guy. Really like him. Thinking about him brings a smile to my face. He is a cheesy romantic and i like every little bit of it. He tells me that im beautiful, that when he thinks about me he smiles, that im amazing, and of course that im adorkable. He is what i need in a guy. A cheesy romantic smart-ass athletic geek. Someone that i can cuddle up to and feel safe with, someone who i feel like i wont break in half, someone who takes my considerations into account. Even just making out with him is amazing. I am a reaction person and i definitely get reactions out of him :). I like that we are taking things slow sexually though. No clothes have come off at all. But he still manages to tease me back as much as i tease him. If he tickles me, i tickle him, or vice versa. He teases me, i tease him back. We both end up wanting more than that but i wont give in cause i know he wants to wait with things, and i wont let him give in for the same reason. Because we havent done anything more, every little thing we do feels that much more intense. I hadn't had a straight up make out session in over two years. And that is a long time considering my first kiss wasnt even two and a half years ago, and that i have slept with 4 people in that time, and kissed 7. Yet not one really good makeout session.

Last night I was at his place again. We laid in his "bed" which is currently a pull out couch.. but i am going to help him pick out a bed, most likely over spring break. Anyways, we were in bed cuddling talking for the longest time before we actually went to sleep. He made a comment about me smiling the whole time, but he just makes me so happy. He says that he likes everything about me, my smile, my laugh, my personality. Its nice being with someone who really appreciates me for me, who i can see myself with long-term. I know its still very early in, but I am really falling for this guy, and fast.

Good Feeling

So.. there is a new guy in the picture. I think. We will call him BJ. He is a friend of a friend and i have always thought he was really attractive. And he helped push my car when it wasn't cooperating, but he had a girlfriend then. He recently broke things off with her, then went after A, but A said he wasn't her type. I was being myself, and i know im a flirt but i wasnt necessarily trying to go after BJ, just seemed to end up that way. I wasnt even sure if Friday night was a date, but my whole family and people on the vb team seemed to think it was. Since he picked me up, we went to dinner, he paid, then he paid for the hockey game too.

I dont even know what to say about him. He is one of those people that knows everyone, and everyone knows them. He could could pick almost anyone, but for some reason he is going after me. We are going to hang out on Thursday now, going to a movie i believe. I just feel good about this. It's been a while since I've had a good feeling about a guy.

I mean, i liked DD from the one time i met him, but I had a feeling nothing was going to come from it.

i knew i didnt want a relationship with Stout at all.

with SBB i knew it would never amount to anything even though we flirt off and on.

Blady definitely wasnt going to work considering the whole him having a girlfriend thing.

Freshie I had an okay feeling after the first hangout, but that went downhill fast!

Special K i knew would end up hurting me..

and with Nately, i knew i would break his heart.

Sometimes I hate my intuition about things, but right now i like it, because BJ is an athletic geek, just like me. I never wanted a straight up geek, but i never that the jocks would want me, even though I'm a partial jock. He is this interesting blend between the two. He isn't an ass either, he is a genuinely a good guy. We have a lot in common, we even have the same birthday!! He is 3 years older than me, but still, crazy.

I just like him, and want to see how this plays out.

yeah...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

things keep going from shitty to shittier in a matter of seconds.. ugh. And all i want to do is sleep now.

But i want it...

Why do I do this? I always want who and what i cant have..

I feel like i'm a senior in high school again crushing over blake.. I had a major crush on him for the ENTIRE year. We had band class together, and had mutual friends in the class, so i was around him a lot. When we traveled to California for our trip, i sat with him on almost all the rides at Disneyland, and sat with him on the bus we had for travel in california. He even danced with me at prom. He grabbed my hands and put them around his neck. But he dated one of my best friends early that year and was still very much hung up on his ex.. Still i had the biggest crush on him.

In the same way I have a crush on DD. I texted him that i had a good time at dinner, and i havent gotten a response at all. I know its only been a couple of days, i just have bad feelings about it :/

And you would think that id be over blady by now.. but nope. Seeing him again didnt help. At all. And i know that he has a girlfriend, i know that he is just using me when he talks to me and invites me over, and i know that he is no good for me. But i want what i cant have. I like the thrill of sneaking around, and misbehaving. I just dont like that i dont exist when he doesnt want anything, or that there is no feeling behind anything.

Overthinking

I usually dont remember my dreams, but i do remember some of my dreams from last night. I kept dreaming that DD called me or texted me, asking me out again. I also dreamed that there was a picture of us together.

I just cant stop thinking about him. This isnt good. What if nothing else comes out of it :/ I always fall for the ones that dont seem to want me back.. what if this is another of those situations? Especially since i suck at making moves, so if another date happens, it really is in his ballpark, and ugh.. im overthinking. I know i am i just cant stop..

Blind Date Adventure

My dad came home from ice fishing this weekend and told me about this great guy that he met. Going on and on, then my dad tells me this guy has a wild side, so he recommended my sister instead of me. Well my sister has a guy she is interested in, so my and my mom and my sister all gave my dad so much crap that he didn't find the guy for me.

To make up for this, my dad called the guy and set up a date for me. My dad set up a blind date for me with this guy, which was also a double date with my parents... I know what you are thinking. A date with my parents?? Yepp. And we went to the restaurant my sister works at, meaning, my sister was our waitress. We made dating a family affair.

And things actually went well. We are gonna call him DD for double date, cause i dont know what else to call him offhand. Well he is SUPER cute!! He is 24, and taller than me, and works out. He used to play Hockey in high school until he broke his leg and both heels. The casts were supposed to be red, but they dried as a nice hot pink. He was just fun to be around. We exchanged phone numbers at the end of the date, and i really hope he calls or texts me, cause i suck at making moves. But i'll text him sometime if he doesn't.

Ahhh... i just really want to see him again. Its been a while since i've been this excited about dating!! He is just soooooo incredibly cute! And he has the sense of humor that i enjoy. My mom even threw a chip at him at one point.

Now, im not sure why my sister asked him this, but she asked him when the last time he touched a vagina was. And me and DD were left alone at the table a little while before, so my mom said "It better not have been 5 minutes ago!" Then she said "Did i just say that?" And oh my gosh, i laughed so hard I cried! We all seemed to have a blast :)

Pretty darn good first date if i say so myself.

~nooblet

To love or not to love

So, i know i have plenty of chances with guys, but i cant find one i want.

I read romance books and watch romantic movies. There are just all these love stories out there, but i cant find my own. Guys end up liking me, but i dont feel the same way back. Im too picky. I want what i cant have. Once i get it i dont want it. I just dont know what to do. I want to find a guy that gives me butterflies, where my stomach flutters just by them looking at me. I want something more than what ive had. I want to be so in love with someone it hurts. Instead i do the hurting.. i just wish i could actually fall in love with someone. Someone who loved me back. I want the real deal. I dont even care if i end up getting my heart broken, because at least that means i cared.